I went through the closet first and was surprised to see a few things that I thought fit now didn't. I started throwing things out the door, and pretty soon there was a growing pile on the living room floor. From the closet I moved on to the drawers and was ruthless. If I hadn't seen it in a year, out it went. I try to overhaul the inventory each time I switch seasons but hadn't done it yet this year. As a result, there was a rather large bag of stuff in another room. This bag has been here for a couple of years, full of stuff I liked but didn't want to get rid of yet. I figured I'd fit into them again one day....they went into the bag during the five rounds of infertility drugs I did--each round put on 5 more pounds without permission. I'd wake up one morning and BAM, the scale went up 5 more pounds. Do the math and you can see where I'm at from the time I got married until the thyroid explosion of 2010. I managed to keep my weight steady for years until gonal-F and menopur entered my life and ovaries and had a ball. I was coming to terms with that change and trying to get myself on track to work the weight off again. Once you're told you should give up with getting pregnant, you might as well re-direct your energies, so I pulled out my Weight Watchers point guide and started counting again. Worked before, should work again. I did some walking and had bursts of regular exercise, and even had days where the scale slowly inched downward. Nothing better than stepping on the scale and seeing it one number less, right?
Disclaimer: I have spent my entire (*&^%$#@#@ life struggling with my weight and assorted self-esteem issues, so this is nothing new. It's just different.
Where was I? Oh yeah--the thyroid explosion. After all the cancer crisis, I was still managing to keep my weight steady which was apparently a good thing from what I had read on the Thyca forum. I held my breath, thinking that maybe this side effect wouldn't hit me. I puffed out during Hypo Hell, but it seemed to go away once I was back on my beloved levoxyl. Then, my TSH started getting closer to suppression level, and it seems like once I hit 0.1, I woke up one morning and you guessed it, 5 more pounds. The next week, 5 more pounds. I think I've stopped there for now, but I'm not sure. I'm almost afraid to eat sometimes despite being ravenously hungry all the time. That doesn't help at all--by being in the hyper zone, my metabolism is revved up enough to make me hungry, but not enough to help with weight loss.
Ok, I don't look like this. I just feel like it some days.
Did I mention my hair is still coming out in record numbers? I know that has nothing to do with weight loss, but it is pretty annoying and gross.
In the meantime, I'm not sleeping through the night (ever), so I'm waking up permanently tired. Not sure if that's the thyroid, perimenopause or a combo of both. Whatever it is, it sucks. Today, tired.
It was hard at the end of the night, looking at what some of those clothes represented--miscarriages, hormone rages, needles, crushing disappointment and frustration, thyroid hell, hypo hell, cancer.....
Like Mr. Wonderful said, "You can always buy new clothes." Gotta love a man who encourages his wife to go shopping. And I did, hitting a 25% off special at one store, and 30% off at another. Found two jackets, two sweaters and one pair of pants. Merry Christmas to me. Wait--since we don't have kids, I went a little crazy and bought a ton of toys for Toys for Tots, so it wasn't all about me. Just a little.
I'm staring at the giant pile right now since we don't have any large garbage bags to bag it all up. Another phase to push through, just in time for the new year. Throw out all the old? And everything that goes with it? There was some satisfaction in getting rid of the sweatshirt I wore on RAI day--not sorry to see that go.
However, my goal is to get the weight back down to a place where I can look at myself in a picture that someone has taken and be happy with what I see. Right now, I don't quite know who the puffy face is smiling back at me while obviously trying to get the best camera angle to hide the bulges. And the other part of the goal is to not move into any sizes that have a number followed by X, or a W. No no no, I want to keep shopping in stores with lots of variety. I don't want my body shape to look like an apple, and that's where I'm headed. Lucky for me I'm tall so the weight can go to lots of different places; right now it's going to my middle. Hard to get anything to fit right when that happens.
I'm still grateful though, and might just spend the day in flannel pj bottoms and a sweatshirt.
Zero cancer is way better than more fabric any day.
La lucha sigue....
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