Memorial Day 2010

Some things to think about....

US Cemetery at Coleville-sur-Mer in Normandy, France,  one of the most haunting places I have ever visited.  Puts war in a whole new perspective....

Cover them over with beautiful flowers,
Deck them with garlands, those brothers of ours,
Lying so silent by night and by day
Sleeping the years of their manhood away.
Give them the meed they have won in the past;
Give them the honors their future forecast;
Give them the chaplets they won in the strife;
Give them the laurels they lost with their life.
– Will Carleton

***********************************

A letter written by Major Sullivan Ballou from Rhode Island to his wife Sarah.  I heard a version of it today read by Liam Clancy...

July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington

My very dear Sarah,

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days -- perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure -- and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing -- perfectly willing -- to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows -- when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children -- is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have obeyed.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me -- perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar -- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not return, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night -- amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours -- always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or if the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue-eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters.

Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

 

Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.

Born March 28, 1829 in Smithfield, R.I., Ballou was educated at Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass.; Brown University in Providence, R.I. and the National Law School in Ballston, N.Y. He was admitted to the Rhode Island Bar in 1853.

Ballou devoted his brief life to public service. He was elected in 1854 as clerk of the Rhode Island House of Representatives, later serving as its speaker.
He married Sarah Hart Shumway on October 15, 1855, and the following year saw the birth of their first child, Edgar. A second son, William, was born in 1859.
Ballou immediately entered the military in 1861 after the war broke out. He became judge advocate of the Rhode Island militia and was 32 at the time of his death at the first Battle of Bull Run on July 21, 1861.

When he died, his wife was 24. She later moved to New Jersey to live out her life with her son, William, and never re-married. She died at age 80 in 1917.
Sullivan and Sarah Ballou are buried next to each other at Swan Point Cemetery in Providence, RI. There are no known living descendants.

Ironically, Sullivan Ballou’s letter was never mailed. Although Sarah would receive other, decidedly more upbeat letters, dated after the now-famous letter from the battlefield, the letter in question would be found among Sullivan Ballou’s effects when Gov. William Sprague of Rhode Island traveled to Virginia to retrieve the remains of his state’s sons who had fallen in battle.

---text from pbs.org

I'm shippin' up to Boston with Tessie and Sweet Caroline

So good....so good....so good!

I did make it to last night's Red Sox game against Kansas City and the Sox won, 1-0.  The seats weren't bad way out in the right bleachers, but we were kind of under the giant replay screen and right in front of the speakers, so we can't say we really missed anything.  I love watching Big Papi.

We were seated in the triangle section between the Hess sign and the Dunkin Donuts sign, about halfway down.  

I was a little worried since the night before was one of my "didn't fall asleep til 4am" nights, but I managed to get in a quick nap before we headed for Fenway.

Sis showed up at 4 since we planned to park at school and walk around to find something to eat.  The weathermen had predicted afternoon showers, and sure enough the clouds started rolling in around 3.  By the time my sister got to my house, the heavens opened and there was thunder and lightning.  Really?  I haven't been to a Sox game in years, I finally get tickets, and there's a @#$%^  thunderstorm?  Seriously--I am starting to wonder about a curse.  Sis-in-law came too all decked out in a great Sox shirt. I think I need to do some shopping for Red Sox regalia just in case we go again sometime.

We headed into town anyway, and thank God the rain stopped by 5pm, the sun appeared and the blue sky came back.  The rain stayed away the rest of the night, and it turned out to be a beautiful evening.  It was nice to see people from school!  I didn't really have a chance to talk, but I'll catch up next week.  We had beer and Fenway Franks, and both were positively delicious.  The game was pretty good and the crowd in the bleachers was pretty entertaining.  Buccholz was the starting pitcher and Papelbon was the closer.

Hot dogs heah! 

We stayed for the whole game and then walked back to school.  We stopped at Burger King both to use the bathroom and get something to munch on while waiting for the traffic to ease up.  While we were sitting there munching, I hear, "Hi Mrs. Kelley.  When are you coming back?"  It was one of my kids from one of my Spanish 4 classes--he was so sweet!  He told me that the sub was "losing it"  (not sure what that means) and that they missed me and wanted me back.  I told him I'd be back on Tuesday and he broke out in a huge smile.  He was there with a student I had last year.  It was great to see them both, and it makes me look forward to going back.

I had a great time--it felt so good to be out in the real world again!  It's been a long few months here, and especially this past month, cooped up in the house most of the time.

Best t-shirt of the night:  Red Sox in Irish 

Happy fans...I'm the one on the left with the puffy face.  

Smile, you're at Fenway!  

Next idea for summer:  minor league games!

What a difference a day makes....

Yesterday.  Honey, want to get something for dinner?  Do I want to go out? No, would you go out and pick something up?  Yes, I should have called you on the way home, but I couldn't peel my sorry behind off the big chair to get the phone.  I know I didn't get up til 11am, but I'm really really really tired.  I took a shower and had to take a nap afterwards.  I took all my meds, and nothing seems to be happening.  Can I have some cheese with my whine too?  Did I do any laundry?  Oops, no, and no, I don't know if you have a clean red shirt for "Wear red for the troops Friday".   Huh?  What did you say?  I think I missed that one.

Today. Yes, wide awake and pretty damn energetic.  Got up at 10 or so (have to work on getting up earlier, I know), took my cytomel and levoxyl and did not have my usual 3pm crash!!   No nap today!!  I actually pulled out my summer clothes and am very happy to say that the vast majority of them fit!  They still fit!!  My weight did not go up a pound this morning either like it has been doing every day this week.  I bagged a donation bag and started rounding up the wool that needs to be prepped for summer and put away.  I even put away all the winter flannels and heavy sweaters.  I washed one of the down comforters that was exposed to radioactivity and still have to see if the king-sized one will fit in the machine.  I jazzed up a frozen LID leftover meal with some cheese and cleaned up the kitchen a bit.  I didn't even take an afternoon dose of cytomel either--am I turning the corner out of Hypo Hell and headed back down the road into the real world?  I don't want to jinx myself, but here's hoping...not a bad day overall, and 1000% better than yesterday.

Given my current state, I'd say I'm good to go for tomorrow's Red Sox game!  I got tix thru school in honor of our 375th celebration--the faculty gets to sit in the right bleachers.  I'm not sure how to interpret that, but whatever.  I got 4 tickets a few months ago, figuring it would be something different to do--I think the last time I went to a Red Sox game was in 1992.  So I'm dragging Mr. Wonderful, Sis and Sis-in-law with me for a night of fun.  Hopefully the Sox will win--they're playing Kansas City.  I'm just hoping it doesn't rain.  It will be strange too, since I haven't been in school for almost a month and have only been in touch with a few people.

Today was the seniors' last day, and I was kind of upset that I couldn't be there to officially say goodbye.  Half my AP class were seniors, and my other classes probably had another 10 or 15 combined.  Maybe I'll send them short notes or something.  I'll see some of them at graduation, but it's different to be there to mark the last day.  I had some really cool kids this year too, and some of them had been with me for three or four years.  The junior prom is tonight, and at the beginning of the year I thought I would stop in for a couple of hours since I have so many juniors this year.  It's nice to see them dressed up.  I hope everyone has a fun and safe night with no problems....

On that note, I'm planning as of now to go back to work on Tuesday.  I have no idea what we're going to get done to salvage the marking term, but I'll come up with something.  I was checking the Thyca boards to see when most people returned to work post RAI,  and I'm right on track.  There's not much time left, and my final exam is June 16th.  We're out the 28th.

Two girls sent me a really cute get well card today and assured me that they weren't "stocking" me by mailing it to my house.  It was cute, but "stocking"?  Only the best and the brightest....

Only other weird thing today was a strange, almost metallic taste in my mouth.  Not sure if it's my taste buds, because my sense of taste seems a little off.  I've been massaging my salivary glands and paying attention to my fluid intake, swishing with baking soda (ick) and sucking on sour candies every now and then, so I don't know if this is new or a holdover from last week.  Some people reported not having any real issues until a week post RAI.  Great.  That's where I'm at.  Things just don't taste quite right...we'll have to see where it's at tomorrow.

Off to wash the kitchen floor since I'm still feeling slightly energetic.  I am going to try to get to bed at a reasonable time.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!!

Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!

This was the comic strip online today for Calvin and Hobbes, and when I saw it, it seemed perfect for today and the trials and tribulations of the last 5 months.

Dr. N called me at 9:45am (does she ever sleep?) with the results of the Whole Body Scan from Monday.  Ready?  She said that the only place they could see uptake of the iodine was in the neck area, which is what she figured would happen.  She said that means that there was thyroid tissue still there, and possibly cancer tissue, but they have no way of knowing at this point exactly what was there, only that the iodine went there and killed off whatever was lurking where the thyroid used to be.  From what I've read, it's impossible for any surgeon to safely remove all the thyroid tissue and microscopic bits can be leftover, so the uptake of the iodine there is normal.

There was no evidence of uptake anywhere else, like in the lungs.  Therefore, no cancerous thyroid tissue made it past my lymph nodes.

And, the thyroglobulin is still UNDETECTABLE!  She was very happy with that since I've been pretty hypo for a while now, meaning the cancer has perfect conditions to come back to any remaining thyroid tissue since there is nothing in place to suppress it.

So as of right now, I can take more cytomel in the afternoon to avoid the three pm train wreck, and I can stay on the cytomel for the rest of the week.  I have to go back in 6 weeks to check the TSH levels and see where I'm at.  She said I'll probably need to play with the dose for a bit until things settle down.  And, I'll go back in one year for another body scan and see what it shows.  I can also go back to work when I feel up to it--I'm aiming for next Tuesday, June 1st.  If I don't feel up to it, I'll wait.  

Insert huge sigh of relief mixed with happy tears here.  

I'm by no means completely out of the woods--1/3 of thyroid cancer survivors have issues with recurrence, more surgery, repeated RAIs and trouble regulating the TSH levels to a place where they feel good.  It's not enough to say that I just have to take a little pill every morning and be done with it--this is a lifelong series of bloodtests and scans, and anxiety-provoking waits for results.  Getting the TSH stable can be a complete nightmare too, and I'm speaking from experience.  Not to mention the absolute chaos this causes with all the other hormones and overall metabolism.  If anyone else tells me "it's the best cancer to have", they had better take a step back because I might haul off and slug them.  Even if I have 5 completely clean scans in the next 5 years, they never use the word "cured" with thyroid cancer because it never really goes away and can always come back.  I have had some good talks with St. Peregrine, so I'll just keep the channels of communication open with him and have him keep interceding so the cancer stays away.  That's what he's there for, right?  To help me stay in the 2/3 who never have to have another RAI.  

In the meantime, I'm going to play in my umbrella pool on this beautiful day and get myself back on my feet....today is definitely a good day.  

Whole Body Scan #1

I've been too wiped out since the RAI to post anything....ugh.  I figured I'd be tired, but this is "hit-by-a-train-exhausted".  Plus, my stomach really has been bothering me since the treatment and I haven't been eating like I should since I haven't had much of an appetite.

In the spirit of moving on, I had my first official Whole Body Scan this afternoon!  And that's about all I can tell you about it.  It looked something like the machine above except the part above my head was almost touching my nose, and I didn't have to change out of my clothes.  I was able to see the computer screen and see where my body parts just lit up--my neck, my stomach (that was creepy) and my bladder.  At least that's what it looked like to me.  I didn't have time to take any pics (darn), but I basically had to lie still on a skinny table while a giant camera passed slo-o-o-o-wly over me.  It took about 45 minutes, and then the guy had to do my neck again.  That actually got pretty uncomfortable since he made me tilt my head back and hold it there for about another 10 minutes.  Ow!

This is kind of what I could see, but picture the colors in reverse with the darker parts glowing white and the body and background in black.  This isn't me by the way, it's the closest image I could find on Google.  

And then it was over.  I have to call Dr. N tomorrow and see when she gets the results.  I had a good chat while lying there either with St. Peregrine  or his answering service--hard to tell which--asking for a clean scan...I hope he heard me.
Mr. Wonderful was my taxi service and he wonderfully suggested ice cream afterwards. I knew exactly where to go and thoroughly enjoyed a soft serve vanilla and chocolate twist with chocolate jimmies.  He had an ice cream soda.  Perfect way to cap off the whole trip!  And it was my first real ice cream in a month--pure bliss.

In other happy news, I started back on cytomel for a few days and .125mcg of my friend, Levoxyl.

On the left, Levoxyl.  On the right, half of a 25mg cytomel.  

The cytomel gives me a shot of T3 and makes me feel fairly energetic so I can get my ass out of bed in the morning.  The Levoxyl is the one that will take a few weeks to reach the right level so I don't feel so hypo.  Problem is the cytomel wears off by the afternoon, and I come crashing to a halt with a good nap. I can still function but have to move much slower.  I think there's a psychological boost for me too just knowing that the meds will work for me eventually because of years of past experience.  I've read from other people on the Thyca forum that they are anxious about starting the meds because they don't know what to expect, or that it's really difficult to find the right dose.  Right now, I'm overjoyed to be back with my pal above and can't wait for it to get to the right levels....and if I don't get there, Dr. N knows me well enough to tweak things.  Positive vibes here!  

The other funny thing is Mr. Wonderful and his daily use of the Geiger counter to measure how much radiation I'm giving off.  It's off the charts if you hold it up to my neck, but not beeping as loudly anywhere else.  And if you hold it a couple of feet away, it is also beeping less each day. 

Hmm. I tried to flip it but couldn't.  I've woken up a couple of mornings to the thing beeping outside my door.  He thinks it's pretty funny, and it is, but in a scary way.  I guess I have to carry a letter with me when I go through airport security next month when we fly to PA to prove that I had this done since there may still be some detectable radioactivity lurking.

So that was my exciting day.  I'm off to nap for a while...
Sis and I watched the finale of "Lost" last night--she's been a Lostie since the beginning, and I've watched it here and there.  The pre-finale show helped a lot, and I loved the ending.  I also loved loved loved the pizza we had for dinner...again, more bliss.  I had a couple of glasses of milk today and bowl of cereal with milk.   Stomach seems better today.  Next on the list:  fish from Belle Isle!!!

The actual RAI experience!

 

I was too wiped out yesterday to blog about the actual experience of radioactive iodine ablation.

It wasn't too bad, and the hospital didn't make a big deal out of it. It has been frustrating, gathering info for this because there seem to be widely divergent opinions out there on every aspect of this treatment! In patient or out patient? Three days isolation or seven days? When to stop the LID? When to restart thyroid hormones? How much washing is necessary? What to do about pets, laundry, contact lenses, throwing up, fluid intake, sour candies, kissing, sex, disposable plates and utensils???? Oh sure, you can laugh about the kissing/sex question, but very few resources mention it! So confusing trying to make sense of everything. 

The Thyca forum has been invaluable (www.thyca.org) with their top ten lists and survivor suggestions, and I picked up two other books that have been a huge help:

The butterfly one is more fuzzy and the other one a little more technical. I got a ton of info from both.

Anyway, Mr. Wonderful was on serious snuggling duty Wednesday night since I can't touch or be near him for at least three days. He took me to the hospital the next morning for 10 am, and everything was pretty laid back. My TSH came back at well over 50!  I always have considered myself to be a late bloomer--why would my hormones be any different?  The doctor had already explained everything to me over the phone the day before, and I felt pretty comfortable with having all my questions answered. There was a mountain of paperwork to fill out and sign and we scheduled the Whole Body Scan (WBS) for next Monday afternoon.

111 milicuries of radioactive iodine, waiting to blast any remaining thyroid tissue and cancer into complete oblivion.  I hope.  

I didn't have to change into anything different, and the nurse appeared just wearing gloves with this tiny little container. She had a dark blue capsule in a cup, no bigger than your run of the mill antibiotic. She gave me a glass of water, dumped the pill in my hand (my first thought was, "Am I supposed to touch this?" Stupid, no? ) and both she and doctor smiled and said "Swallow!". So I did. And that was it. I drank all the water, and then the nurse held out the Geiger counter, it beeped, she said "Twenty" and the doctor said, "You're good to go."

 That's it? Hmm. They both cleared the room pretty quickly though, and we left the hospital.

I sat as far away from Mr. Wonderful as possible, and of course opened all the windows.  It was chilly back there!  Luckily we have a giant SUV, so he was a good distance from me. 

After about 10 minutes, my mouth became pretty hot. Talk about quick-acting! A few minutes later, a weird metallic taste. It stayed that way all day.

I started drinking tons of fluids and sucking on candy--here's the stash of stuff we bought.

So far, I'm loving the IceBreakers Sours and the Altoids Tangerine Sours.  

   Very tasty even though they have torn up parts of the inside of my mouth.  I've gone through a gallon and a half of water, a 1 liter bottle of tart lemony soda and almost a liter of ginger ale.

I don't know if all the sour stuff is upsetting my stomach (sour stomach!) or if it's the radioactive stuff.  

By mid afternoon I felt pretty awful and tried to sleep for a bit.  I did watch "Julie and Julia"--enjoyed it. I ate some food, but wasn't really hungry beyond toast and ginger ale.  And sour candies.  Figures--I'm thisclose to getting off the low iodine diet, and I have no appetite.  Not funny. 

Mr. Wonderful came home and slept on the couch, but unknowingly used a blanket I had used earlier in the day.  It dawned on me and I had to go wake him up and take the blanket off of him.  He wasn't too happy with me, but I didn't need to have him radioactive if he didn't have to be!  

Sleep was elusive since I had to keep peeing all night....I finally drifted off for a couple of hours at a time and never heard Mr. W leave for work.  I was woken up however by a cheering crowd (cheering for obliterated cancer cells maybe?  Am  I dreaming?) in the park across from my house--turns out there was  a crew filming something there from "The Biggest Loser".  God were they loud.  I didn't get much more sleep. 

So here I am.  Still radioactive, but it's been over 24 hours since Splashdown, and I finally had cream in my coffee this morning.  Ahhhhhhhh, pure heaven.  I still have some LID foods, but I'm going to smother them in cheese later, when I feel like eating.  Right now I'm looking for toast and more ginger ale since stomach is still sour.  Ha ha.  

My awesome sister-in-law is participating in a Relay for Life Event tonight in honor of her dear friend she lost in January to what sounded like a huge monster tumor--totally unexpected and devastating.  I wish I could be there to cheer her on and walk with her...I'll be with her in spirit I guess.  I admire her for doing this so soon  after such a horrible loss, and I hope she has good friends and memories to get her through.  We chatted last night, and it was astounding to me as we both ran through a checklist of all the people we know who have either had or died from cancer.  It really is frightening.  All these years, I've heard about events and made donations to different things, but it takes on a whole new meaning when you realize you are now part of that group, and not willingly.  Ugh--that sounds so selfish.  Maybe this will spur me on to become more active once I'm back on my feet.  In the meantime, go Lis--you rock!!  

Maybe I'll go try to nap--the filming seems to have wrapped up and the crowds are gone.  Maybe I'll watch a movie.  Maybe I'll go pee yet again, and do the other two at the same time.  

Grateful that this part is over...praying for a clean scan on Monday, and then we wait to see what develops.  Hopefully nothing since it's undetectable, remember?  

Shoot me now please.

So this is what I figured I'd feel like!

Today, my ass has been officially kicked from here to there and back again.

I swallowed my pill (more on that later).

My mouth is hot, there is slight metallic taste, I can now find my salivary glands, my stomach is a little queasy, and I could fall asleep right now, mid-sentence.

I'm going to bed. More tomorrow....

RAI Precautions

This is the list that the nuclear medicine doctor went over with me. Keep in mind that there is no one universal list--from what I've been reading, there are a lot of conflicting opinions out there as to how cautious you need to be.

• Have someone drive me to and from the hospital. On the way home, sit as far away as possible. For me, it's a short ride, so she wasn't too worried.
• Have my own bathroom (check!).
• Maintain a distance of 6 feet from other people if they are in the house with me during the first 72 hours. The radioactivity will extend 3-4 feet from me during that time.
• Avoid public transportation.
• 90% of the radioactive stuff will be absorbed quickly by my body--the rest either gets peed out, spit out or sweated out. To quote my sister, "Good thing you're not a camel."
• Drink lots of fluids.
• Flush twice, wipe anything that may be contaminated.
• Shower at least once daily and wipe down the shower.
• Stay away longer from all pregnant women and small children.
• My two cats, who are very affectionate and like to sit on me whenever possible, need to go away for at least 72 hours. Laps would be a bad place to be since my bladder would be giving off radiation. For some reason, that is a funny image to me.
• After the third night, wash all clothes and sheets. Launder my stuff separately for a week.
• Use my own set of towels.
• Wash dishes and utensils after each use. Do not use disposables.
• If I have to prepare food just for myself, no issue. If I have to prepare food for anyone else, wear plastic gloves. Mr. W is on his own.
• Don't throw away anything in the trash that has saliva or other bodily fluids on it--flushing is better. Really?

As for protecting my salivary glands, I'm supposed to do the following. The radioactive stuff causes saliva to become thickened and may cause blockages in the glands themselves.

• Drink lots of fluids.
• Wake up during the night to keep taking fluids and sour candies.
• Suck on sour candies. One book says a new one every 15 minutes, another book says to wait 24 hours before starting. So which is it?
• Chew sour sugarless gum. One book says yes, one says not to in the first 24 hours since it will concentrate the radioactive residue in the ball of gum you're swishing around your mouth. No, no gum for now.
• Rinse my mouth a few times with a mix of baking soda and water. Ick.
• Massage the glands in front of my ears and along the jawline.

I think if I do this stuff right away, it will minimize problems later. However, people report having swollen glands months later without warning....

Shine little glow worm....

Woo hooo! Radioactive iodine tomorrow!!! Dr. just called to tell me (at 3:45 pm) that my TSH was at 26.3 last Saturday, and she'll be happy with it at 30 or above. And here I am thinking that not much is going on....this is just one big series of surprises. I have to have my TSH checked again tonight, and she figured it's well above 30 by now. She asked if I could come in tomorrow once she explained all the precautions, so I'm scheduled for 10 am. I was getting kind of depressed today, figuring it would take another week. I can stop the LID once I've swallowed the pill, but a lot of people were told to stay on it for another 24-48 hours just to be safe. I can restart my levoxyl after 48 hours (thyroid hormone that will let me feel human again). When I looked in the mirror this morning, the first thing I saw were the really large purple bags under my eyes, and then what looks like jowls. Can a woman have jowls? I want my face back please! Even though I look horrendous, my weight hasn't been as bad as I had anticipated--only 3 lbs over so far...it could still go up in the next couple of weeks while I try to get back on track, but that' s not too bad.

This is what it looks like to me when I look in the mirror.  Jowls.  

As for the dose, it's not as high as Dr. N originally told me it would be. I'm hoping that means minimal negative reactions/side effects! That would be sooooo good.

The other precautions she told me mirror what I've been reading about--basic isolation for 72 hours. Cats are going to my sister's for a mini-vacation! Dr. said most if not all of the radioactive stuff will be out of my system after 72 hours. Follow up is a whole body scan in 4-5 days to see where the uptake was, and to establish a baseline for the next 5 yearly scans I'll need.

I'm so excited. Isn't that scary?? Radioactivity is bad, and here I am, ready willing and able to swallow a horse pill that will alert Homeland Security.

One more LID meal tonight, and one more tomorrow! And then I pray I can taste and eat some dairy products.

Then, hopefully we'll be back to your regularly scheduled program! I have tix to a Red Sox game in a couple of weeks and would really like to be there.

Shine little glow worm, glimmer, glimmer.....

Update @ 10:15 pm: Good to go! Dr. N called me as I was walking around the supermarket picking up all kinds of sour goodies for the next few days (more about that in another post) and was happy to hear that I have to go tomorrow. She's laughing that I keep telling her I don't feel as bad as she told me I would. It was about 9:20 when she called. Plan is to start Friday back on the Levothyroxl (come to Mama please!), and use the cytomel for a boost for a few days if I feel I really need it. She said I might feel worse once the adrenaline has worn off from looking forward to this for so long...we'll see. Her big panic was that while I had a standing order to check the TSH, I had no order for a pregnancy test. Apparently, a pregnancy test is mandatory before all RAI treatment. Do not pass Go, and you cannot collect your $200 without the pregnancy test. Luckily she was able to call it in, and we didn't have to go back to the lab. It does make me chuckle--after 4 very intense years of desperately trying to get pregnant and failing repeatedly, we now have to be very conscious of doing everything we can to prevent a pregnancy. I don't think we have to do much since I think my ovaries are pretty much fried, and will probably be finished after this experience. Makes me wonder--the thyroid was probably a major player in my inability to maintain a pregnancy all along in spite of being treated and stable, and the hell we went through was for naught. Well, not entirely--I can give myself a needle in a moving car, in a restaurant bathroom, sitting, standing.....I'll stop there, because that should have been a different blog altogether!

10000 Maniacs Like The Weather Live on The White Room...

Feeling like the weather while eating a Meal in a Bundle

It's a cold and rainy night, and the sun didn't make much of an appearance in my neighborhood today. Someone asked me if I was feeling ok or like the weather today, and the infamous quote by Mark Twain about weather in New England came to mind: "If you don't like the weather, wait a minute." I've been feeling that way all day--awake, zonked out, motivated to do something, completely apathetic, relatively happy, miserable, snippy to Mr. Wonderful, affectionate to Mr. Wonderful, achey, not achey, not hungry, starving....feeling a little crazy here!!

I'm going to tell myself that feeling worse is a good sign since it gets me closer to the RAI. In my ok moments today I made three different loaves of LID bread: wheat in the bread machine which I thought didn't come out right but did, a loaf of cinnamon swirl from the Thyca cookbook and Sis came over to help me out with a loaf of cranberry almond bread that was half-made before I ran out of sugar and realized that I needed cranberry juice to finish. All three came out perfectly delicious, and if I get motivated tomorrow, I might throw together one more loaf of banana bread to put in the freezer for later. Other than that, I didn't do much of anything.

Dinner was a stupid move on my part, but I figured I'd give this one recipe a try. I should have known better, but I usually have to find things out for myself. Mr. Wonderful had a field trip today that ended up at Kelly's Roast Beef, so I didn't have to worry about cooking for him. In the Thyca cookbook is a recipe for a meal that my mother made when we were little. I can see why she made it--easy to throw together, easy prep and not too many ingredients on days when she put in long hours at school or taking care of my grandmother. However, I hated it. She called it "Meal in a Bundle".

Meal in a Bundle

Basically, you take a hamburger patty, put it in the bottom of a tin foil pouch, layer it with sliced potatoes and onions (and carrots if you want, but I hate cooked carrots), liberally sprinkle with Mom's favorite go-to spices, salt and pepper, add a dollop of butter, seal the foil and throw in the oven for about an hour.

I decided to use turkey with onions, mushrooms, garlic and parsley mixed in, added some other spices and some olive oil. I figured the spices would help, right? No, just as bland as ever. And the only other thing I could use to liven things up was a lovely bottle of salt-free ketchup. I ate it, but it brought back childhood trauma! :) I will never cook that again. Never. See? We are doomed to repeat our mistakes. Who thought that was a good meal? So I had cinnamon bread for dessert to make up for it. Mom was a pretty good cook, but I don't know why she had to serve this one every now and then. I think I finally spoke up in high school (maybe college?) and refused to eat it. So disappointing! At least I can look forward to the bread choices tomorrow if Mr. Wonderful doesn't polish off a loaf in the morning.

In honor of all the weather talk tonight, this song came to mind. It's by 10,000 Maniacs and from the album "In My Tribe"-- I probably wore it out in college. I love Natalie Merchant's voice. This popped in my head, and sounds like a great way to describe feeling hypo. And, how many songs do you hear with the word "torpor" in it? I'll post the video too...

Like the Weather

The color of the sky as far as I can see is coal grey.
Lift my head from the pillow and then fall again.
With a shiver in my bones just thinking about the weather.
A quiver in my lips as if I might cry.
Well by the force of will my lungs are filled and so I breathe.
Lately it seems this big bed is where I never leave.
Shiver in my bones just thinking about the weather.
Quiver in my voice as I cry,
"What a cold and rainy day. Where on earth is the sun hid away."
I hear the sound of a noon bell chime. Now I'm far behind.
You've put in 'bout half a day while here I lie
with a shiver in my bones just thinking about the weather.
A quiver in my lip as if I might cry,
"What a cold and rainy day. Where on earth is the sun hid away?"

Do I need someone here to scold me
or do I need someone who'll grab and pull me out of this
four poster dull torpor pulling downward.
For it is such a long time since my better days.
I say my prayers nightly this will pass away.
The color of the sky is grey as I can see through the blinds.
Lift my head from the pillow and then fall again
with a shiver in my bones just thinking about the weather.
A quiver in my voice as I cry,
"What a cold and rainy day. Where on earth is the sun hid away?"
I shiver, quiver, and try to wake.

Knew I was going to pay for that little trip....

I've been knocked out for the past two days. While I enjoyed the quick trip, I slept all day on Sunday. Literally, all day. I got up to eat some rice cakes with peanut butter and went back to bed.
Today wasn't much better. I slept most of the afternoon. Well, not really slept, more like laid on the bed with my eyes closed. Yeah, that was effective. Everything just hurts. Mookie and O'Malley were both curled up together, as in back-to-back and touching, at the foot of the bed. Adorable!
I did manage to do one load of laundry, get the mail and nuke some dinner. And I put some more music on the shiny purple iPod! Strange mix of Irish, Spanish and 80's stuff. Also, I really need to make some more bread for the rest of the week.
Actually, I'm glad I'm not feeling good. Hopefully that means the TSH is moving up faster and I'll get to 40 before the end of the school year. More emails from kids today--tomorrow I'll write back.
A cold glass of milk would taste so good right now.
Buenas noches!

Hey Chief--a change of scenery

I have no idea which fire department this is, but I've been to a few retirement parties for fire chiefs, and a pic like this of the appropriate department is always included in the video montage. For some reason, it always makes me laugh. That, and the fact that everyone seems to call each other "chief". And they all either are or were fire chiefs. It's surreal. "Hey Chief!" "Hi Chief!" "How ya doin' Chief?"

Mr. Wonderful and I went to a retirement dinner on the Cape for the chief in Brewster--he retired after 45, 46, 47 or 48 years of service, depending on which proclamation you heard. It was a nice tribute to him, the stories were actually pretty funny, and it was at a beautiful place. He had been chief for 29 years! Mr. W and some of his buddies coordinated themselves, one of them brought the Pirsch, Mr. W picked it up, and then picked the chief up at his house as a surprise. He was the first driver of the truck back in the 60s. All of them are alums of the same college program where they staffed the university fire dept--it's like a fraternity, and they are all interconnected by this invisible bond no matter when they went to school there. Kind of nice to see.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go...it was a little shaky a couple of times, but I figured it was worth it to go since half the night would be spent sitting listening to people roast the chief. I probably zoned out every now and then, but I think I was able to keep up with the conversations around me! Hell, they were all talking about fire trucks, so I couldn't contribute much! The change of scenery was nice, and the Cape is always great in the off-season. Smokey the Bear even made an appearance.

Ooh--Alec Baldwin is on SNL doing a skit with a Boston accent a la "The Departed", but the skit is about the Hudson Valley Swim Team.

Anyway, the cool thing about the dinner was that I was able to talk to the chef and get a huge salad with grilled chicken instead having to navigate my way through the buffet. It was delicious! I didn't get dessert though--chocolate cake. I stole a nibble from Mr. W's plate. Just a nibble.

We stayed on the Cape and then meandered our way home since I had to have more bloodwork today. Even hit a "buy one get two free" sale at the Bass Outlet! Time to update summer sandals, no? It wiped me out though. Nothing like leaning over to find the size I wanted and then having the store spin for a bit. Then I fell asleep in the car. We came home via the hospital lab, and I really knew I was not myself when I wanted to reach over the counter and grab the guy who kept telling me I wasn't "in the system". Usually I'm pretty patient, but it wasn't there today. After showing me the screen showing all the people with the same last name as me, but not the same first name (isn't that a violation of some confidentiality thingy?) , he finally found the right name so I could get jabbed. Think the TSH will make it past 10 this week?

"Weekend Update" is still pretty funny, but not the other skits.

So off to bed for now. What was the word of the day recently? I want to hear you say "UNDETECTABLE"!

Thank you!

Good news/bad news....

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Call from Dr. N at 9:45 pm with bloodwork results!

Good news, excellent news actually: my thyroglobulin is UNDETECTABLE! This is basically the marker for the presence of cancer. Right now, my blood levels are showing that there is none. She said that the number could actually rise since there is no hormone suppressing the cancer cells, but when she said, "That made me very happy to see that at this point.", that made me very happy to hear it. She said that it is usually higher right after surgery, and it was fantastic that mine is (say it again) UNDETECTABLE.

Bad news: My TSH is at (drumroll please....) 6.4. That is six point four. I have to get to forty for the RAI. Sigh.

I have to have bloodwork done again on Saturday, and I might get to 20 by then. She said that most people hit a wall once the TSH gets to 20 or higher. I said that I had been feeling weird but ok, and she said that it will slam me all of a sudden and I will basically collapse. So I have underestimated my hypo hell so far. Damn. And, I have to stay on the LID...guess I should cook and freeze some more?

ALL I WANT IS A LARGE COLD GLASS OF MILK, AND I HANKER FOR A HUNK OF CHEESE.

That's my rant for now.

I'd rather yell UNDETECTABLE!!!!!!

Finally, a little bit of good news. And I love Dr. N for calling with the results so late--she's amazing.

Buenas noches!

This guy must be extremely busy. Can I leave a message please?

Saint Peregrine

St. Peregrine was born in 1260 at Forlì, Italy to an affluent family. He lived a comfortable life as a youth, and politically opposed the papacy. After he experienced the forgiveness of St. Philip Benizi, he changed his life and joined the Servite order. He was ordained a priest, and later returned to his home to establish a Servite community. There he was widely known for his preaching, penances, and counsel in the confessional. He was cured of cancer, after he received a vision of Christ on the cross reaching out His hand to touch his impaired limb. He died in 1345 and was canonized in 1726. He is the patron of cancer patients.

I figured a little more help from higher authorities could only help with this journey. Turns out St. Peregrine is the patron saint for all cancers. Wow, he must be pretty busy. There is no specific saint for thyroid cancer, and I don't think St. Blaise counts, because wasn't he the patron saint for sore throats? This is way more than just a sore throat. Besides, St. Peregrine was beatified on my birthday. Coincidence?

The other freaky thing that occurred to me is the butterfly symbol that is commonly used to promote thyroid awareness--the gland is shaped like a butterfly depending on how you look at it. At the start of the school year, I was looking for something new to use for classroom decorations (at the Dollar store of course). I came across wall art stickers that you can put up and take down in the shapes of all sorts of butterflies. I grabbed a bunch of them, figuring it was a great connection to a movie I loved and showed in my AP class to rave reviews--"In the Time of the Butterflies", the story of the Mirabal sisters from the Dominican Republic. They were murdered by Trujillo and were known as the Butterflies. So my classroom has butterflies fluttering all over the place--on the door window, on my desk, on furniture where it would stay up....they're very pretty and spice up the room. But little did I know in August that the butterflies would take on a whole new meaning.....

And now I probably won't even get to use the movie in class since I'm out. :( Next year....

Back to St. Peregrine. Here are two prayers to him...feel free to throw it out there for anyone with cancer.

A Prayer to St. Peregrine for Sick Relatives and Friends

O great St. Peregrine, you have been called "The Mighty", "The Wonder Worker" because

of the numerous miracles which you obtained from God for those who have turned to you in their need. For so many years, you bore in your own flesh this cancerous disease that destroys the very fiber of our being.

You turned to God when the power of human beings could do no more, and you were favored with the vision of Jesus coming down from His cross to heal your affliction. I now ask God to heal these sick persons whom I entrust to you: (here mention their names)

Aided by your powerful intercession, I shall sing with Mary a hymn of gratitude

to God for His great goodness and mercy. Amen.

And, if you've stumbled on this blog because you have thyroid cancer, try this one:

A Prayer to St. Peregrine for One Suffering from Cancer

Dear St. Peregrine, I need your help. I feel so uncertain of my life right now.

This serious illness makes me long for a sign of God's love.

Help me to imitate your enduring faith when you faced the ugliness of cancer and surgery.

Allow me to trust the Lord the way you did in this moment of distress.

I want to be cured, but right now I ask God for the strength to bear the cross in my life.

I seek the power to proclaim God's presence in my life despite the hardship, anguish and fear I now experience.

O Glorious St. Peregrine, be an inspiration to me and petitioner of those needed

graces from our loving Father. Amen.

Every little bit helps I think.

The prayers can be found with some other links at http://www.saintgeo.com/peregrine.htm.

I am not part of a fluffernutter.

If you see me coming, please do not try to stick a skewer in me and try to roast me over an open flame.

The puffiness has set in, and I didn't notice until my sister saw me at 5:30pm and greeted me with, "Oh, did you just get up?"

No, I had been up since about 9 am this morning.

Guess I looked pretty puffy and exhausted to her. I hadn't really noticed. Then I went to my hairdresser--all the gray seemed to appear out of nowhere once the thyroid meds stopped, and I'm not sure if that's a coincidence or if I waited to long in between appointments.

Yes, I have been coloring my hair my natural color since I was 25. Betcha didn't know that going gray that early can be a sign of thyroid trouble, did you?

Once I got in the chair at the salon, it was apparent just how much my face had morphed into the pic above. It actually made me recoil a little bit. The bags under my eyes are a nice touch.

And funny, but my energy level isn't in the cellar today. I corrected another batch of tests (took me twice as long, but they are done. 125 more to go tomorrow!) Kids are starting to email. According to the rumor mill, the sub has them in check and I'm having more surgery. They are all asking if I'm ok....so sweet. Now I just have to email them all back!

So, I'm not too happy today. Mr. Wonderful said, "Yeah, you look a little puffy, but so what? Why do women worry about this shit? It's not your fault you're sick." Now you can see where his nickname comes from.

At the moment my clothes still fit. Brain is still foggy, and it takes me forever to type one of these because of all the mistakes. Good thing I can type fast.

No call back from Dr. N with the next step either, so it will probably go into next week. Groan. This is dragging out way more than I thought it would. Argh.

Ok, please do not try to sandwich me in between two graham crackers and some chocolate either--both of them are off limits on the LID.

Going to sleep if I can....Mookie has taken up residence at the foot of the bed. Big step for him!

Wait. I'm awake.

Oh confused endocrine system of mine! What the hell are you doing?? One day I can barely peel myself off the couch. The next day, I'm raring to go like the stupid Energizer Bunny. I've felt like the chica in the photo there for the past 2 days, almost bordering on hyper. Of course, I wouldn't dare dress in all white like that because someone might confuse me for snowdrift, and my arms sure don't look like that. And, if I did try a running leap like that today, I'd probably trip on take off and land flat on my face in the water.

However, one can dream, no?

So while I feel pretty energetic, I am having difficulty maintaing a conversation because my train of conversation can't seem to stay on the track--I'm having word retrieval problems. If I were in my class, I'd probably refer me for a sped evaluation. I can't even remember the "conversation" I had with Sis yesterday, but I do remember it cracked us both up laughing because I couldn't understand her question to me or figure out how to answer. I also keep forgetting to do things, like make a phone call or find some paperwork that I need. Then I forget to make the list that is supposed to help me remember, and I'm all confused. Thank God this is temporary while I'm hypo.

I ventured outside of the house for the first time all week with Sis yesterday--she was my livery service to the hospital for bloodwork since Mr. Wonderful had to go to a fire. (He's a fireman obviously.) It was pouring buckets with tons of thunderstorms--great day to be out and about. I got to the lab and had to wait--sure enough, a "kid" who looked about 20 was sitting across from me, and asked if I had been a teacher at his high school. Turns out he was in my study when he was a freshman. Small world! We chatted until he got called and then it was finally my turn. The phlebotomist was sooooo chatty--she asked all about the cancer diagnosis, did a great job jabbing me and then sent me off with a hug. Kind of nice!

From there, Sis and I decided to attack a Whole Foods Market. I don't usually shop there, but I needed a few more LID ideas and figured it would be interesting. I think we were there for 2 hours just putzing around, checking everything out. I wanted to run through the cheese and dairy section! I got some meat and tons of produce, so it was a good trip. Everything there just seems to "look" better than in a regular supermarket. How do they do that? I really wonder about the organic food industry--is it really better? I have read that there is list of 10 veggies that you should buy organic because they have higher rates of being contaminated, but I can never remember what they are when I go shopping! I did switch to Tom's of Maine toothpaste, mouthwash and shower gel when we were going thru infertility treatments and have continued to use them, and I use mostly Origins makeup which is supposed to be natural....I suppose I could do more, but I don't know enough yet. Something else to add to my list of "Ooh--want to learn more about that too". It just makes me wonder, especially after the weeks on the LID and cooking mostly everything from scratch. Open to any feedback! I think if I had to choose, I like Trader Joe's better.

It felt good to be out and about, but I still have a funny feeling in my head--not quite lightheaded, but not normal either. I can't explain it. I don't feel safe driving a car, and I made my sister control the shopping cart since I was afraid I 'd knock into something and wouldn't be able to react quickly enough. Being hypo slows down your reflexes. I thought my hours of shopping would knock me out, but it didn't. I had trouble staying asleep last night and kept waking up. That might have been due to the incredibly loud wind that was whipping around the building all night, or that for the first time Mookie slept at the foot of the bed with us! Mr. Wonderful isn't too happy, but it's a big step for Mookie in trusting his new humans. He's such a lovebug!

So, two days with minimal headaches, and way more energy than I have had. I was even able to go to my Mother-in-Law's today for Mother's Day with Mr. W and my sister-in-law. We did Chinese food, or they did, and I grilled stuff. More veggies! It was nice to just hang out and spend time with everyone. This was my second Mother's Day without my mom, and it's just hard. I wore her charm bracelet today so every jingle made me think of both her and her mom--my grandmother also had a great charm bracelet that was quite jingly. It's also hard for me since I'm not and will probably never be a mom to kids of my own--some days I can handle it, but Mother's Day triggers a lot of stuff. It's not the way I ever pictured nor wanted my life to be, and I'm still pretty ambivalent about adoption. At this point, the cancer and our ages would probably knock us completely out of contention, but we haven't really had the luxury of being able to explore the adoption route since we keep flying from one crisis to another.

However, if I look beyond my own issues, I was incredibly blessed to have my Mom while I did even though at times I feel cheated now that she's gone. She was truly an amazing woman--she showed us how to face things head on and deal with adversity. She had a husband who was diagnosed at 30 with a rare cancer, two children, an elderly mother that she cared for, and eventually "lost" the man she married to a cerebral aneurysm when they were 45. When he suddenly passed away at 55 after years of failing health, she was forced to recreate her world as a single woman in what was a world of couples. Did I mention that she also lost her two of her closest friends before she was 50? All of this was done while working full-time as a sped teacher. She managed to find her way and rebuild her life, only to be slammed with the bizarre kidney disease that eventually caused the strokes that slowly took her from us. She was gone way too soon at 65.

I really miss her.

But what a role model in many ways. My sister gave a beautiful eulogy at her funeral, saying she was a warrior. She fit that description so well. I wonder what she would think of this whole thyroid cancer mess, and I wonder if I would be able to measure up to her in terms of handling this well? That thought crosses my mind so often! I do know that I come from a long line of pretty strong women, so I think I have some kind of Irish/genetic thing built in along with the lessons handed down directly from Mom. Plow through and get to the end of whatever it is. Then, briefly collapse before you have to pull yourself up again and start over.

Hmm. I didn't plan on writing about Mom. It just happened that way.

So Happy Mother's Day to the moms out there, and warm fuzzy thoughts to those who are struggling to get through the day for whatever reason.

Thanks Mom.

Zzzzzzz.

What a day this was. The Mack truck plowed me over again, and I spent most of the day sprawled out either on the couch or my bed. I managed to make a loaf of banana bread, a really yummy cinnamon nut bread from the Thyca cookbook that just screams out for loads of butter and a tall glass of milk, and another batch of salsa. That should keep me munching into next week. I might freeze the cinnamon bread for later, post RAI. Or maybe just make another batch? It was easy.

I really like making bread. I think I'll take out the bread machine tomorrow and try another Thyca recipe. If I'm awake. I opened Trader Joe's unsalted crunchy peanut butter jar #3 today...

My laptop has been a help since I can mindlessly surf all sorts of stuff. Problem is, half the time I either forget what website I wanted to check out, or I forget why I went somewhere in the first place. I'd love to pull out the genealogy research and organize that, or finally finish scrapbooking my wedding pictures from, oh, 4 years ago. However, my lack of concentration might cause all sorts of problems, so I'll save it for summer when I'm supposed to be back on my feet. At least by then the brain fog should be gone.

I seem to feel a little better at night. Last night I did get a good night's sleep, so that was a huge improvement over the day before. Those little things can make you feel so happy.

Mookie fell victim to the Aquapocalypse today, so I spent part of my morning cleaning up after him. He managed to throw up in 4 of my shoes. One of his hiding places is my closet, and I guess he couldn't get out fast enough. Once he finished, O'Malley started and left his own little pile, but nowhere near my shoes. Both were zonked out all day but seem fine tonight, looking for food and attention. The Mookster is sitting regally in his place on the couch as I type, and O'Malley is rolling around on the floor. Mookie did try to warn me with a pitiful meow before he hit the shoes, but it was too late. Besides, he weighs 18 lbs, and I would not have been able to move him quickly enough. I'm assuming it is the water that made them sick.

I checked out the awareness ribbon for thryoid cancer--it's pink, teal and purple. Yup, all three colors. Who came up with the design? Most other ribbons are only one color, a few with two. I think the one I posted on the blog is just purple--some sites say purple, and I hadn't found the tricolor one yet. I saw a stat somewhere in my surfing that diagnoses of thyca in the US are up 45%???? And Rod Stewart had thyca surgery in 2000.

Time to go check out my Farmville farm....yes, I have a farm. With chickens, cows, horses and ducks. And I like to focus on growing daffodils. I like daffodils. They are my favorite. Brain fog is creeping in again....