McGinty.

Half full? Half empty?

I did go back to school this week, so I'm not dying yet. The anticipation is killing me in a way--will I crash or won't I? Between obsessing about food and hypo hell, I'm amazed I'm functioning at all! I am having some trouble remembering things--that's getting to be soooo annoying. I still have stuff to grade and term 4 grades to figure out by May 11th--I need to get them done before the brain fog sets in. I think my freak out on Friday was due to the severe lack of sleep. Cytomel causes insomnia and headaches...

A pretty depressing realization came over me today when I was reading the ThyCa forum--I'm going to have to do this LID diet next year along with no meds/hypo hell for the whole body scan that will tell me if I still have cancer lurking in various body parts. And then I'll have to do it again the following year, and probably the year after that....after a couple of clean scans, they rely on bloodwork until the numbers start going up. Sigh. And then you start again.

Please let me fall into the 2/3 of people who have no recurrence. It's going to be pretty annoying, having that thought in the back of my mind...will it come back or won't it? (I'm venting....let me rant.) It reminds me of the years with my dad--he survived cancer of the nasopharynx when he was only 30, and I remember my mom saying to us, "Say a prayer today--daddy has a doctor's appointment." I didn't understand why, so I just said an extra prayer. Strange that I'm going to be in the same boat. I am a strong swimmer though.

Ok, enough ranting. I let myself panic for a short amount of time every few days--let some negative thoughts pour in, shudder, and then push them out again after pondering for a few minutes. I've come to the decision that I can't control any of this, so it doesn't do me much good to let myself go nuts. What am I going to do--let the whole cancer thing rule/ruin my life? The doctor said it won't kill me meaning I'll still have a life to live, so I'll just keep reminding myself. A little panic is ok...keeps me on my toes.

On an LID food note, I made a pretty decent steak dinner with roasted potatoes, salad and my new favorite summer food--broccoli/carrot slaw from Trader Joe's. Mmmm! Mixed with the LID French vinagrette, it was soooo good. Better than the stuff from the store. Can't wait to have it in hot weather! Mr. Wonderful even loved it. Right now I'm starving. The LID stuff isn't too bad--I actually had fallen into a rut of not cooking as much from scratch, and I can see such a difference in how much healthier it is...I would love some dairy though.

As for the lovely Guinness glass above, I know that it should be empty, but that came later. I'm going to say that the glass is half full in spite of my rant. There's a lovely brown liquid in it, it hasn't been knocked off the table yet by my hypo clumsiness, Mr. Wonderful is sitting by my side in Dublin (where this was taken), and life is pretty damn good in the most important ways.

I wonder if there is any iodine in Guinness?

I really just want a Reuben.

This food restriction can become an obsession. We stopped at Rien's Deli, again, on the way home from PA. If you want to experience a sense of total frustration, stop to eat at a Jewish deli, where just about everything is drowning in some salty concoction. Watch everyone around you eating corned beef, sauerkraut, blintzes, cole slaw, pastrami....and you have to ask the waitress for a plate for your salt-less, non-iodized food. This place is known all over for travelers on route 84--the lines are usually pretty long and the place is packed, both for the dining room and the take-out counter. It's exit 65 in Vernon, CT in case you're interested. I vow I will go there again. And order 2 Reubens to make up for this weekend. Sigh. Again, it's only for a couple of weeks. I can tolerate it knowing that it will end!

However, my sister- in- law had a brilliant idea on Saturday! She suggested that I grill up a bunch of veggies...we dragged our two nieces with us and went to the local Wegman's (love that place and could spend a whole afternoon in there!) and I bought peppers, yellow and green zucchini, eggplant, giant portobello mushrooms, onions and chicken cutlets. My brother-in-law was great and spent a ton of time grilling everything--I marinated everything in olive oil, non-iodized salt, pepper and basil...delicious!!! I had it for lunch, dinner and again to day for dinner when we stopped at Rien's. I have more for tomorrow night. It was really good and took some of the worry out of my head for a day. I felt badly too, since my sister-in-law was hosting a cocktail party for some friends before we went to my niece's show, and I couldn't eat any of the food she served (and it all looked so wonderful....). But, I was able to fill my plate and blend in.

And I did have some wine.

Off to bed since this was such a long day, and it's back to school tomorrow. Double sigh. I got nothing corrected and have soooooo much to do. Argh.

Hypo Hell so soon?

Oh shoot me now. I didn't get to sleep last night until 3:40 am. Houston, I think we have a problem. This wasn't supposed to start til next week! It took me a few hours to clean up the kitchen after all my LID cooking, and then I lost some time on Facebook (bigger time-sucker ever invented). I did some laundry, folded some clothes, cleaned up some stuff around the house, and probably could have stayed up til the sun came up--kind of thought that was not a good idea.

I'm paying for it now--woke up with a massive headache, my body temperature must be 10 degrees higher than normal, and I have that feeling I used to get in college after pulling an all-nighter--everything hurts. I even took one cytomel instead of two yesterday since I thought that might be the culprit, but no. Maybe I'll take the pill in smaller bits spread out over the day tomorrow? A couple of people on Thyca said that might help. If it is the start of hypo hell, I don't think I'll be able to go to school next week, especially if I'm not sleeping. I'm hoping to feel a little less bad tomorrow--how's that for overachieving? It was nice to know that others out there are suffering the same side effects, so I'm not completely alone. Two more weeks, maybe less of this. Argh.

So today, I took a seven hour journey to Mr. Wonderful's brother's in lovely Pennsylvania to see my niece in her spring musical along with my Mother-in-Law and my Sis-in-law. It's now almost midnight, and I feel much better than I did 10 hours ago. Should I stay up and take advantage of the feeling good, or go to bed, listen to my iPod and pray to fall asleep? I'm having a glass of wine, so that might help. Tomorrow's going to be busy....

Highlight of traveling in the Pilot--sis-in-law and I watched "40 Year-old Virgin" on the DVD.

Interesting LID experiences today. I brought a large bag of food that I can eat, but we had to stop for lunch and dinner en route. Lunch stop was at Rein's Deli in Connecticut....perfect. A great Jewish deli, and I can't eat the reuben I'm dying to have. No one could tell me if the bagels had iodized salt either. The garden salad was good, but it was not easy watching Mr. Wonderful down a reuben, and his sister down a pastrami sandwich. Dinner stop was at Friendly's since it was near the hotel and 10pm...I did manage to have a grilled chicken sandwich with tomato, lettuce, onion and a side of broccoli. I didn't eat the bread, and I don't think the chicken had spices on it. The broccoli had something, but I'm not sure if it was butter. In the grand scheme of things, I think I did ok today. Not perfect, but not too bad. The Friendly's menu was actually kind of scary--not very many healthy options on there. Everything was either breaded, fried or smothered in layers of cheese.

Here's hoping tomorrow's a little better....

LID safe banana bread recipe

Banana Bread!!

I don't know where I found this online, but it fits in with the LID guidelines and tastes pretty good.

Oven = 350

You'll need two mixing bowls, bread loaf pan.

Ingredients

1 1/4 cup flour

1 1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

2 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon salt (non iodized)

2 slightly beaten egg whites

1 1/2 cup mashed bananas

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup oil

3 tablespoons vanilla

dash nutmeg

walnuts (optional)

Mix dry ingredients: flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt in bowl.

Mix wet ingredients: bananas, egg whites, oil, sugar, vanilla in another bowl.

Dump wet ingredients into bowl with dry ingredients and mix until moist. Add in nuts.

Pour mix into greased 8x4x2 bread pan.

Bake at 350 for 40-50 minutes--check middle with toothpick, and it's done when toothpick is clean.

Buen provecho!

Low Iodine Diet Time!

Here's a pic of my shopping escapades last night at Trader Joe's and Stop and Shop. Probably more food than I need, but I like to have options. It took forever since I had to really read the food labels closely--amazing how many foods were off limits!

I spent all day (from 2pm on since I didn't get to sleep until about 4am last night and it took forever for me to get going today) cooking...the kitchen is such a mess. Stuff everywhere, but unlike my mom, I close my cabinets as I'm working.

I made a few meals to throw in the freezer for Hypo Hell week and for lunches next week. Today's creations included: salsa fresca, black bean soup, 2 loaves of banana bread, three meals of oriental chicken, rice and veggies, a huge pot of chicken stock, and 4 mini meatloaves. I would have done more, but we're off on a road trip this weekend and won't have time till we get home Sunday night; I'll have to double up on recipes next week for the following week. Confused yet? At least I've got a few things on hand. I have some staples that I grab for breakfast and lunch when I'm in school--yogurt, instant rice soups, cheese sticks, tuna....I can't grab those while on this diet, and I really have to remind myself. I usually drink a couple of big glasses of milk too, and right now I'd love one. Can't. I did find some chewy gummy bears intended for kids as a calcium and vitamin D supplement--they're really good, no red dye #3 and no oyster shells. My multivitamin has a fuzzy label and I can't tell what's in it or not. At least this way I can keep up my calcium during the LID.

Thank God I lived in Spain--my spice cabinet was perfectly stocked for all of the recipes I made, and I had lots of extra things to throw in. Mom believed that salt and pepper were the only spices you'd need....Carmen, my Spanish mom, blew my world wide open and introduced me to all sorts of yummy smells and flavors.

So, Day 1 on the LID hasn't been too bad. Breakfast: TJ's no sodium wheat bread toasted with TJ's crunchy peanut butter and rapsberry jam, black hazelnut coffee, cup of cantaloupe, banana. The bread isn't great, but toasted and covered up was bearable. Lunch: a few handfuls of raw almonds--since I got up late, I wasn't really hungry. Dinner: I kind of picked my way through everything I made, but I did have one of the mini meatloaves--yum! Not as bland as I thought. Snacks: rice cakes without salt, 2 small fuji apples, carrot sticks, a few pieces of dark chocolate. I survived the black coffee too--I love cream, and it was kind of hard. I think I can stick it out for 2 weeks.

I like to cook and play around with combinations of different things, so I added my own touches to the meals. I was psyched to find the banana bread recipe (no butter, no eggs), and it was pretty tasty. My sister has my muffin pan, so I couldn't make muffins from the cookbook. Next week.

I'm still in the midst of cleaning up the kitchen--I managed to use a ton of bowls, pots and pans. And I went through a ton of onions, dry mustard, garlic and olive oil. Next week, pork, beef and cinnamon bread!

********

Funny story related to my trip to Trader Joe's. I pulled up to the register, said hi to the cashier and turned to give my shopping bags to the bagger. The bagger was one of my former students from 7 years ago! She was sophomore in high school then and must have been in my Spanish 2 class. We recognized each other and started talking--she's a junior at a local college, majoring in Spanish!! She's been to Spain once and is going back this fall for a semester abroad before she graduates next year. She said it was because of my class...so someone out there is listening when I rant and rave! Some days I wonder what the hell I'm doing up there, making a complete fool out of myself while trying to get the little darlings develop some appreciation/understanding for something outside their comfort zone. This made my day and made me want to burst into tears. I remember the girl, and she was a good student. She even switched into Spanish at the end of the conversation. It was such a good feeling.... :)

Last day before starting LID

It's well after 2am and I'm still up...this is ridiculous!

I did a humungous shopping order tonight at Trader Joe's in anticipation of starting the low iodine diet tomorrow...amazing how much stuff has soy, sea salt or seaweed in it. I stocked up on a number of things that people have recommended on the ThyCa forum and plan to spend most of tomorrow correcting tests and cooking so I have some meals ready to go during Hypo Hell week. I took a picture of my purchases, but I can't find the USB cord for the camera right now. I'll try to post a pic tomorrow--the entire kitchen counter was full.

In order to prep for tomorrow, my food choices today consisted of a big bowl of cereal with milk, a ruben sandwich with pickles and salty sweet potato fries (went out to lunch with my mother-in-law and Aunt L), curry noodles for dinner, and a tiny Friendly's Reeses sundae. It has a gazillion calories and tons of fat, but since I can't eat dairy for the next couple of weeks, this seemed like a good idea to me. I also plan to suck down a large glass of cold milk once I finish this--I tend to drink milk, and I think I'll miss that. However, it's for a limited time, and it will be over by the end of May. Repeat to self again. And, I can eat dark chocolate. I'll survive.

Salsa always makes me smile...

Thanks to Sis for finding this! "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For", the salsa version.

Happiness is a new iPod, or how to cheer yourself up before Hypo Hell

Yeah, who says retail therapy can't help deal with stress and chaos? I have been pondering upgrading my iPod for a couple of months since I quickly filled up the old one. This one can hold 4000 songs, and that should work for now. It's purple! Playing now: "Magnificent" by U2.

I'm still taking cytomel and feeling a little loopy at times. Tired but not tired, wired but not wired. I can sleep, but I'm up till 1 or 2am. It's so strange compared to how I was feeling post surgery. I hope I can get that feeling back! Coffee is helping, and I'm kind of eating stuff I know I won't be able to eat on the low iodine diet (LID). No cheese. No dairy. No glazed cruellers. No seafood. No crackers. Lots of fruits and veg though.

I have to get my LID ideas organized for next week since I'm supposed to start on the diet this Thursday or Friday. Did you know just how much stuff has iodine in it? Tons!!! Just in time for a family trip to PA to see my niece dance in her spring musical! I should be ok, but I don't want to be a pain. I'm hoping to get out the breadmaker and see what I can concoct from the ThyCa cookbook, and make a bunch of meals that I can freeze for hypo hell week. I wonder if anyone has ever made up t-shirts for Hypo Hell? I'll have to think about that one--what would be a good design? As for the diet, there are a lot of suggestions out there to get meals and food organized prior to being hypo, which makes perfect sense since I assume I'll be a miserable lump curled up on the couch, unable to maintain a conversation or coherent thought for much of the time. So glad I have something to look forward to, no? It will be over by the end of May. Repeat to self over and over. Playing now: "Clandestino" by Manu Chao.

Happy thyroid cancer stories from yesterday and today: Yesterday, I saw an interview with a mother who was waiting for her daughter to run by her in the Boston Marathon. The mother said, "She's a cancer survivor. She had thyroid cancer." If she can run a marathon after all of this, I think that's pretty hopeful.

Today, I had my eye exam (ran out of contacts), and since the dr. was eyeballing the lovely scar on my neck (it was too warm to wear a scarf), I told him what was going on. He told me, "Oh, my wife had that. She's fine." She didn't even have to have hers removed, just took the iodine drink. My eyes are worse for distance, and I'm at the age where reading is going to become a problem. Not yet, but eventually I will be holding pieces of text three feet away from my eyes. My kids will be happy though--I haven't been able to use whiteboards all year because I haven't been able to read them easily when they hold them up! I'll start using them again since things are now crystal clear. New contacts feel ok so far.

As for the shiny purple iPod (and no, it has nothing to do with my school's colors of purple and white), it is loaded up with about 1200 songs and playing as I type. Next up: "Driver 8" by REM. I wonder how long it will take me to fill it?

Happy Patriot's Day!

How I learned US History....

Well, there's 14 hours of my life I won't get back.

I survived the full week back at school. The last day before vacation is always a crapshoot, but I love where I teach, because the kids will do just about anything I assign them. Rebellion for most of them is not bringing in their homework! So they spent all of 10 minutes filling in a crossword puzzle based on current news (Thank you zachary-jones.com/spanish, my absolute favorite website this year!) and then tried guessing songs that were originally recorded in English and redone in Spanish. "My Way" by the Gypsy Kings stumped them. Anyway, they had a test the day before, and I couldn't start new stuff. It was a mellow way to head into break, even though I was there (again) till 5pm, pulling together work for a sub just in case I crash before this week is over.

Yesterday Mr. Wonderful and I headed out in the drizzle to go "bookin'"--a new term coined by himself. One of his weaknesses (obsessions?) is to buy books. Lots of books. I hate to admit it, but I'm getting used to it. We headed off to New England Mobile Bookfair in search of some good buys, and after a few hours came up with some. I love the remainder rooms, but I didn't find too much. Mr. W always manages to find some book on World War II that he hasn't read yet. I swear he could teach for an entire semester just based on books from his own library if he had to. From there he stopped at an electronics store to look around, and then we headed off to a massive used book store a few towns away. I love this place--paperbacks are $1.29, hardcovers $1.99. I always find a ton of Spanish stuff either for use in class or for me to practice--picked up "Bridget Jones' Diary". Great selection of stuff too, and they are all in pretty good shape. We stopped at the local Building 19 too, but not much there. We headed home, and I realized that I was a little tired. I decided to take a nap--a quick nap in my mind, maybe 30 minutes or so, just to recharge.

Yup. That's what I thought.

I woke up this morning at 8:20. I went to bed at 6pm the night before. I slept pretty much straight through. Hence, the title of the post.

Wow.

I don't know if it's the lack of levoxyl that slammed me, or if all of last week caught up with me. I think Mr. Wonderful was getting nervous! I told him to just wait, that there would probably be more of that in a couple of weeks.

Do you want fries with that?

Nothing like a little junk food to soothe the nerves today. Sis asked me to pick up dinner tonight and stop by to commiserate with her. Mr. Wonderful was left on his own, but that was fine. Amazing how a quarter pounder with cheese and MickeyD's fries can taste great (according to Sis as she gobbled it down). I had a burger and fries too--hell, I already have cancer despite the fact that I try to avoid eating at fast food restaurants, so why not? Misery loves company. It did taste pretty good....

Sis can get back most of the cost of her lost vacation, but eating a quarter pounder with cheese when she should have been eating something amazing in Venice? Argh!!! My heart breaks for her. I didn't have any plans for this vacation thank God, and I'm glad we went to Ireland in February instead of waiting until this break to go--we wouldn't have made it there! More about Ireland at a later date.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this latest development. I really don't get it, because we don't look to add drama to our lives. No, really, we don't. I met with my headmaster this morning to outline the plan for the radioactive iodine (No, I don't know exactly when I'll be out.), and she was astounded when I told her about the trip not happening. I guess it must look really awful to people when they feel they have to point out to me how much shit we've gone through in the past few years. I know we have, and I don't think the response, "It's life" is a good one--if it were, then I'd see more people getting slammed more often by "life". Not sure about the "bad luck" reason either--that just makes me feel like an idiot, like I'm sitting here passively. But, everyone keeps telling me how great I look--I'll take that compliment and keep on moving! :) God had better have some answers for me, because I keep coming up with new questions to ask....

Not much to report on the thyroid front again...still taking cytomel. I'm planning to do some researching this week on the low iodine diet and see what I need to buy. I think I have to start that next Thursday.

I'm tired after this week and felt it today. Since I tested the kids on Thursday, there wasn't any point in starting anything new today. Plus, I was missing about 1/3 of the kids in every class since they all went on early vacation.

Oh! Before I forget--Mr. Wonderful didn't share in our wonderful meal and probably ate cereal for dinner. I came home, and he had cleaned the kitchen, living room and dining room. Major points for that! Vacuumed too. No complaints from me!

Did you hear the one about the volcano in Iceland that erupted?

Have you seen this picture yet? It's all over the internet, on the world news....it's the volcanic ash cloud from the Eyjafjallajökull (say that five times fast) glacier. It's keeping my sister from her vacation. Her flight to London was supposed to leave about an hour ago, and she was supposed to go from London to Venice. In Venice, she was supposed to get on a really large boat and go for a sail around the Med, stopping in Dubrovnik (I loved Dubrovnik!), Epheseus, and a bunch of Greek islands. Then she was supposed to go back to Venice for a day and come back home.

Instead, she's drowning her sorrows with her travel companions somewhere in the North End and trying to figure out a Plan/Destination B. After tons of phone calls, they were told that they won't be able to make it to the really large boat, especially since the airport in Venice closed today. What happens if you plan a really great vacation and no one shows up? I think they have some kind of trip insurance, but don't "acts of God" tend to cancel everything out?

And to add to the frustration, it's school vacation week next week (yay!), and everything headed south is booked or sold out. 21 kids from my school went to Spain today, and I think their flight got out ok. I wonder if they'll get back next week if the cloud moves into southern Europe?

I usually tell Sis that we're not cursed, but lately it's got me thinking a little more than usual. Today's events make me question even more....

As for the thyroid stuff, I stopped the levoxyl today and started the cytomel. Nothing seems different yet--I had a glazed crueller this morning.

Into battle

Middle of the week! Not much went on today. I picked up my cytomel and will start it tomorrow...I'm kind of anxious about how this is going to go. I know that because I had a really good glazed crueller this morning when I got my coffee. I had breakfast food with me too and didn't need to buy myself a pile of glazed donut. Time to find another way to deal with the stress! At least there are no PopTarts (fruit and frosted=favorites) in the house. Funny thing is that my weight yesterday at Dr. N's office was the same as it was when I saw her in January, before all this cancer craziness started. I'm taking that as a good sign.

Tomorrow is all testing, all day. The only way I could get the kids to take the work seriously is tell them that they would have a test on the stuff the week I came back. I also have to cover a colleague's class (she's taking 21 kids to Spain over break), so no time at all tomorrow to even run to the bathroom.

Time to go collapse...

We have a battle plan cap'n!

Met with Dr. N today to figure out the next step, and we have a plan! The only real treatment for thyroid cancer is to remove the thyroid (check!), and then blast the bejeezus out of any remaining thyroid tissue and cancer with radioactive iodine (RAI). That's supposed to kill off any cells that remain and cut down on chances of recurrence.

In order to do the RAI, I have to go to Hypothyroidism Hell for a few weeks. I am soooooo not looking forward to that. I've been hypo before and it really is hell. The complete fatigue, brain fog and weight gain are the worst. The apathy doesn't help either. The TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) that they measure is considered normal when it's between 0.3 and 3.0. In order to do the RAI, it has to go to 40. Dr. N got a good laugh out of that--"You feel awful at 2.0, so God knows what you will feel like at 40. Ha ha ha." I didn't really laugh; in fact I think my eyes bugged out of my head and I coughed. I might be incapacitated much sooner than I thought.....

Right now I take 125 mcg a day of Levoxyl to make up for what the thyroid used to produce. I am feeling pretty good on that right now. I have to stop taking it for the next two weeks and take cytomel instead. The doctor explained why and it made sense--I'm not sure I can explain it clearly here. I'd have to go look it up to make sure!

After two weeks, I stop the cytomel, have my blood levels checked to see how close I am to being at 40, and then they'll schedule the RAI. 10-14 days before I'm supposed to go on a low-iodine diet. By driving up the TSH and lowering the iodine, my body is supposed to suck up the RAI and make it more likely that it will kill off what's left. And hopefully cut down on the chances of the cancer coming back.

The RAI comes in a capsule. I go to the hospital as an outpatient, swallow a large radioactive capsule, go home and glow alone for about 72 hours. And pray. And hope I don't have icky side effects. Mr. Wonderful will have to keep his distance and sleep on the couch. I haven't figured out what to do with my two emotionally needy cats.

Then, I get to go back on the levoxyl that I love and hopefully start feeling better again. Dr. N said she'll do a full body scan 5 days after the RAI, and then again in a year to see if there is anything there. She said I'll be watched closely given my history.

Overall, she said that the cancer could come back. It's not like other cancers in that you aren't considered cured after 5 years of being cancer-free. Sounds to me like it's more of a chronic condition that I'll have to monitor for the rest of my life. Yeah, thyroid cancer won't kill me, but it will make life a little less tranquil. I'd like to think that I'll fall into the 2/3 of people who have no recurrence, but I tend to get the weird stuff.

I'll probably have to be out of school again, 4-5 days at least after the RAI, and possibly the week before depending on how I'm feeling.

While I'm not looking forward to any of this, I'm glad I'm going to get it done and over with soon. Dr. N asked us if we wanted to wait three months to see if I could get pregnant since maybe the thyroid was a bigger factor than anyone thought; if a miracle happened and I did get pregnant, she said the higher estrogen levels could make the cancer worse, and it would be a fairly big risk to take. Problem is you can't try to get pregnant for 6-9 months after doing RAI. Since I'm not sure if it's even possible, I don't see the point of risking it. The cancer trumps infertility. Maybe it would be different if I were in my 30s and didn't have other issues.

So that's the plan cap'n. Mom always told me that if she had to get through something (and God knows she had plenty of experience in that department), she would pick a time or date afterwards and tell herself that it would be all over by then. That means that this should be all over by the middle to the end of May. Not that I want to wish my life away, but I think I can hope the next two months fly by...we're hoping to book in some road trips during my vacation week next week too. A change of scenery always helps.

Off to bed...I have a couple of weeks before I'm in full battle mode. Need some sleep!

Back to work reality

Back to school today! And I'm so *&^%$ tired right now. My neck and throat are actually sore, and I really need to have Mr. Wonderful rub my shoulders.

I teach Spanish lit and AP at a large, highly competitive urban high school. Some of the kids would kill their own grandmother for 1/10th of a point. We average getting 30+ kids into Harvard every year out of class of just under 400. On good days, it is teaching Nirvana.

My kids were so damn funny that I'm probably sore from laughing my way through the day. Who knew that high school juniors and seniors really can be sweet, caring and nice? No, I know that they have the potential to be that way, but there are long stretches of time during the year where I don't see much of it. Today, they collectively redeemed themselves and gave me hope for mankind.

I got back to my room after being out for two weeks, and it was exactly as I had left it! Nothing was missing/broken/misplaced....so nice, so nice. The room was clean!

There was a giant piece of red foam board on the chalk ledge next to my desk that said (in Spanish) Welcome back Senora!, and then signed by every kid from my 5 classes. Ok, so they mispelled "Bienvenida" and wrote "Buenvenida" before fixing it...they still don't know the difference between good and well. Argh.

And then I went through 6 classes before having 7th period off--my toughest day that never seems to end. They were happy to see me--I even got hugs. The sub managed to get them to do some work, but not all of it. Would you believe she left behind 248 quizzes for me to grade? She marked them, but didn't put grades on them. The kids said she made things "more confusing than they had to be", and begged me not to leave them again. I said, "Weren't you mumbling behind my back about what a bitch I was before the last test?" One girl piped up, "Yeah, but now we know what we have. We won't do that again." Another class told me I was a "diamond", and the sub "was a sparkly thing you get at Claire's". The sub tried, but...I spent most of the day trying to pick up the pieces and figure out how to end things before vacation next week.

Odd thing though....not one administrator talked to me at all during the day. No emails, no stopping by to see that things were ok, nothing. No response from anyone to an email that I sent at the end of last week saying I'd be back today. Nothing. I know the place is big, and people are busy, but would it have killed someone to say anything? Talk about cold.

Off to meet with Dr. N tomorrow to talk about next steps. I printed out the LID cookbook from ThyCa.

Have to go get Mr. Wonderful for a shoulder massage....

Sunny Sunday with stuff to do

I usually am not a big one for self-help books, but I found this at Barnes and Noble this week--I love it. I've been reading it in bits and pieces, and I have to say that it is really helpful. There is a smaller book that accompanies it, and it has spaces in there to journal and write. I was up til 2:30 last night, filling in parts of it.

It's sunny, and I have a busy day! Shopping with Sis and clothes inspection for her upcoming cruise to the Mediterranean, dinner at my mother-in-law's, and prep for my return to school tomorrow. I still have, oh, 120 tests left to correct. Along with 125 essays. They can wait--the term ends May 7th. The sun's out, and I have stuff to do!

Get on yer boots baby

In honor of my boots rant, this seemed appropriate....the words are kind of cool.

Get on Your Boots by U2

The future needs a big kiss
Winds blows with a twist
Never seen a moon like this
Can you see it too?
Night is falling everywhere
Rockets at the fun fair
Satan loves a bomb scare
But he won’t scare you
Hey, sexy boots
Get on your boots, yeah
You free me from the dark dream
Candy floss ice cream
All our kids are screaming
But the ghosts aren’t real
Here’s where we gotta be
Love and community
Laughter is eternity
If joy is real
You don’t know how beautiful
You don’t know how beautiful you are
You don’t know, and you don’t get it, do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are........

Maybe I'll go put that on my iPod. Today was sunny with no shoes or boots raining down from the heavens, so it was a good day.

Notable days in the midst of all this

My favorite stain remover from Ireland

Happy Easter!

My sis' birthday was the day after the surgery. Usually family tradition is the birthday person picks what and where for dinner, and what kind of cake. Sis loves Funfetti cake with Funfetti frosting. I did manage to get her presents and a box of cake mix before going in the hospital, but I wasn't able to actually bake the cake. Uh oh.
I managed somehow to get Mr. Wonderful to bake a cake! He also went out and bought all three types of Funfetti frosting since he wasn't sure what kind to get. There's something that just makes you melt when you see your non-cook of a husband making and frosting a cake. It was absolutely delicious, and Sis had a little bit of joy in her day.

Mr. Wonderful and I also celebrated our 4th anniversary, fools that we are. I was too zonked to go out for dinner, but I took a raincheck and we'll have to go before the RAI and low iodine diet that I have to start soon. It amazes me what we've gone through in the time we've been married--infertility hell, three miscarriages, being told that we would probably never have children, illness and death of my mom, and now cancer. He's still here, and I don't know where I would be without him. Hard to believe that it's been 4 years--I had such a blast at my wedding.

My mom's birthday was also in the mix. She would have been 67.

And, we had Easter dinner at my house and Sis did all the cooking. She put together a great meal and can really make mom's mashed potatoes like mom did. Mom's mashed potatoes are our gold standard--Sis can make them like she does, I can't. Mine come out like paste. We had tons of food and wine and Easter candy, and Mr. Wonderful's mom, sister, aunt and cousin all came. Ham, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, broccoli casserole (aka coronary in a bowl, but soooooo good), yummy salad, pie, lemon/raspberry treats, not to mention the tons of munchies we had before dinner. The day went really well despite a near disaster with table linens. I packed mine months ago for the impending move that still hasn't happened, and couldn't find them. I ran up to my mom's and pulled out a bag of hers, and we decided hey--I have cancer. Let's use my grandmother Reki's hand-painted linen tablecloth from Ireland! It was a bitch to iron (I can see why she used to send it out to be pressed), but it looked nice. It made it through the whole meal until in a matter of seconds during the cleanup, an entire cup of coffee and an entire glass of red wine spilled. Sis and Sis-in-law spent the next hour and a half googling every remedy they could find to get the stains out. Salt, white wine, soda water, cold water, hot water....and lots of soaking and scrubbing. Finally I used my favorite stain remover from Ireland, washed it twice in Woolite and the stains came out! Whew....I'm sure Reki was rolling in her grave, but the table cloth survived. And I will use it again. Along with the china, silver and Waterford. What good are they in the cabinet? More cancer lessons.... The day was exhausting, but enjoyable. I slept for hours the next day!

It's raining boots

And not those cutesy little ankle boots either. Wellies, combat boots, Doc Maartens....I should have known.
I had my follow-up with the surgeon about 10 days after the surgery. Again, limited eye contact, but she was smiling as she ripped off the tape strips over the incision. "Do you have an appointment with Dr. N?" "No, she said she'd contact me once she had the pathology report." Pause. I ask her if she has the pathology report. She looks down at the papers she's holding, sits down across from me and says, "Remember, we told you if you have to have a cancer, this is the best type to have."
I suddenly see tons of boots. Still nothing cute.
She goes on to explain that I will need the Radioactive Iodine. Damn. That the cancer was more extensive--there were two tumors (1.0 cm and 0.6 cm), and that it went to my lymph nodes. The testing showed that 5 out of 16 sampled were positive for papillary cancer. And it said "Papillary carcinoma, classical, follicular and diffuse sclerosing variant." What???
If this was unimpressive to you, I would hate to see what it takes to make an impression.
The boots are now up to my ankles as I wrap up the appointment and ask her for a copy of the report. I book it upstairs to Dr. N's office to leave a message to call me. Stupidly I really did run up the stairs--all three flights--so that by the time I reach the office, I'm so winded that I can't talk. I think the secretary thought I was going to drop dead.
I leave the building, slightly stunned. I felt really optimistic that morning! I felt really really good! And I loved the outfit I was wearing, all springy and bright colors. I had been operating on the "No news is good news" theory of life since I hadn't heard any pathology results. Now I think it should be, "No news is, well, no news." I should have worn my boots.
Not far from the doctor's offices is the cemetery where my parents are buried. Ha--great timing and a perfect day to stop by and say hi. I had planned to stop there anyway to put some lillies on their grave. I just stood there and had a good cry and cursed their gene pool.
From there I went to see Mr. Wonderful at work--always hit or miss that I'll catch him in his office. He showed up eventually, and I had to tell him about the lymph nodes. Let's just say that I hope I never have to see that look on his face again. We went out to lunch, kind of shocked, and then he decided to head home early.
Perfect! It was a gorgeous sunny day, and we got to take a great walk around the neighborhood until we ran into Sis and I had to tell her.
I managed to get some time with Dr. Google and found out that diffuse sclerosing variant is a more rare and aggressive type of papillary carcinoma. I think the prognosis is still ok, but I might have more trouble beating that type into submission.
Dr. N called me that night and I chatted with her for 25 minutes. She said she called the surgeon again to go over the results, and ran them by her partner endocrinologist. The surgeon swore to her that my lymph nodes looked small and normal, and that she sampled them "for the hell of it". Dr. N also told me 4 times, "You will not die from thyroid cancer." I'll have to believe her. And get a stronger umbrella. The boots are still there.
I meet with her next Tuesday to figure out how/when to do the RAI. I'm not waiting till summer.

Tips for TT

I'm noticing that there are a lot of Ts on this blog.
I found the website for ThyCa.org, and it has a wealth of info. I'm still exploring the site, but I did get some great suggestions from people for the TT.

1. Charge up your iPod for the hospital stay. Music always helps me, and it was great for drowning out the noise from the hospital floor. Scared the heck out of me when I was plugged in and the phlebotomist came for a blood draw at 3am.

2. U-shaped neck pillow! You know the travel pillows you always see in the airport? That was a huge help since it hurt to hold my head up. I found a pattern online and stitched one up the night before the surgery. It helped a lot and made me more comfortable. Here's the link: http://www.husqvarnaviking.com/us/3356.htm

3. Popsicles at home: Cold made my throat feel better. Before or after a meal, these kept pain away. And they were yummy. Edy's fruit bars were great.

4. Wear something that zips or buttons in the front to the hospital so you can wear it home the next day. It was better for me and didn't bug the incision.

5. Sleeping was hard the first couple of nights. Maybe I should have taken more pain meds. I was pretty wiped out the first week.

6. If you have a tendency to get nauseous after surgery, ask for a prescription for motion sickness patch to put on the night before. That made a huge difference for me and I didn't have to worry about getting sick.

Two weeks off from reality

My home care team was wonderful! After the first day, I was pretty much good to go. Sis spent the first work day home with me and took care of me with popsicles, sorbet, chocolate-hazelnut ice cream. All very necessary to make real food go down well! She also brought over a stack of DVDs and kept me busy while I was able to stay awake. Mr. Wonderful's aunt then came for the next three days at lunch, complete with bags of food from Whole Foods. She looked at me on the first day and said, "I know you, but I really don't know you. I have no idea what you like to eat, so I brought a bunch of different things." Then she proceeded to pull cans of soup, scones, chicken salad, mixed salad, chicken pot pie and God knows what else out of the bag. It was all delicious and perfect for Mr. Wonderful when he got home--that was even better, that I didn't have to think about feeding him! The next day S arrived along with Aunt and she whipped up lunch, a dinner of mac and cheese and put a fully cooked chicken in the fridge. I actually managed to sit my ass in the chair, and didn't worry about entertaining or cleanup...usually that 's hard for me since I'm a bit of a control freak (wait, not about the cleaning). It was nice. I spent the days sleeping, eating the food donations and reading trashy magazines since I couldn't really focus on a book.
I'm so grateful for everything that people did to take such good care of me. Friends also sent flowers and warm wishes and positive thoughts....it's cliche, but cancer makes you take a step back and realize how lucky you are to have such amazing people in your life. The sad thing is that I probably don't tell them enough....
I'm finishing up week 2 at home, and today I ventured out to the mall and the supermarket. I think I'll be ready to go back to reality on Monday. By reality I mean the work world and more people. This whole cancer thing has been one big cold dose of reality.
Oh. I forgot to mention the pathology report. Remember how the cancer was umimpressive?
Boots. It started raining boots once I got the pathology report back.

Thyroidless

The surgeon told my team that things looked "unimpressive". That's good, right? The cancer part was unimpressive. The condition of the thyroid however, was not. Dr. said it was a disgusting mess--inflamed, goopy, wrapped around the windpipe a little, swollen. Clearly the poor bugger had been under attack for years from Hashimoto's thyroiditis and antibodies. I had been told years before that I had a 50-50 chance of developing Hashimoto's. Apparently it had been flogging the hell out of the thyroid for years. No wonder I felt awful!
The pain wasn't bad at all and I didn't need pain meds after the following morning. I was in a room by 2 pm and eating raspberry slushy stuff by 4. Liquid dinner, but soft foods for breakfast. I was up by that evening and going to the bathroom on my own. Dr. N even came by on a social call to see how I was doing. Very cute. They sent me home around 1:30 the next day with some tape strips over the incision. Not bad as far as hospital stays went!
Since then, I've been home from work and sleeping a lot. I actually feel really good. I didn't know what the pathology results would show, but "unimpressive" sounded good. Right?
Don't forget, it's raining shoes.

TT Time

Now that I've been told that I have thyroid cancer, my mind immediately jumps to the idea of having my throat cut open. Oh good God.
I met with the surgeon--highly recommended, but quirky. Doesn't make eye contact when we talk. She also took out my mom's thyroid when they couldn't get hers under control for hyperthyroidism, and everything went really well. Might as well trust her with my neck.
I have to wait three weeks for the surgery, but it's not bad considering the time from suspicion to diagnosis to throat slicing--about two months.
The hardest part is telling people about it. Telling my sister was brutal, and her reaction damn near killed me. This is painful enough without causing more stress and worry for other people! Most people reacted with shock, except for one person who quickly launched into the "I know how you feel since I had a spot of skin cancer removed from my face." I had no words for that one, and still don't. I told my department head at work, and she was the first person I told outside of immediate family and close friends--I burst out crying in her office as I told her. Totally unexpected reaction, but it was like an out of body experience, hearing myself tell someone who didn't know me that well that I had cancer. Later I managed to chase down the headmaster and tell her that I would be out of school for 2 weeks, and her reaction was classic--"WTF?" Made me laugh. Telling my students though was surreal. They all asked questions, and sent me off with cards signed by tons of kids from all my classes. I was floored by some of the things they wrote and really touched.
March 26th was TT Time (Total Thyroidectomy). Sis and Mr. Wonderful accompanied me to the hospital and camped out there all day. What a team! I went into the OR at 10:30 after the surgeon drew on my neck ("Nice crease there, perfect place for a scar.") and the IV nurse butchered the back of my hand. I hate having IVs, but this was the worst experience I've ever had--she had to put the needles in twice. Two weeks later it's still bruised. Mr. Wonderful stayed with me until they put the lovely hairnet on my head and wheeled me to the OR. I remember getting on the table, and then I was gone.
I woke up in recovery without throwing up! Very excited about that--dr. had me put on a patch the night before. Brilliant move, I am eternally grateful that I didn't have my usual post-surgery bout of puking. Can't imagine that with a slash in my throat....I did wake up with my voice though, so no issues with my vocal cords. I was worried about that since I spend most of my day talking.
Surgery was over. I was alive and breathing, and completely thyroidless.

Really? You've got to be kidding.

Thyroid cancer? No way. I know that I haven't had the best relationship with my thyroid over the years and we haven't gotten along well for ages, but cancer? Sigh.

I suppose I should put some context with this.

I can pinpoint issues with my challenged thyroid back to high school. So many mornings sleeping in until the last possible minute, running out of the house late without a decent breakfast, family vacations where my hyperthyroid mother would torture hypothyroid me at 7am singing to wake me up....family joke that I wasn't a morning person. Ha.

By college someone finally mentioned that I might have thyroid issues, but no one diagnosed it until I was 30. Oh the bliss of having meds that worked and made me feel mostly human! I love Dr. N who was the one who figured it all out and saved my life with levoxyl. However, the thyroid still didn't work well, and I could usually tell when it was functioning or not. The need for 3 sweaters, extra moisturizer, a broom to constantly sweep up all the hair that had fallen out, extra hours of sleep that didn't seem to matter, the realization that my weight was increasing again...I loved the days I felt good, and dreaded the days I felt the fatigue coming on. Oh the havoc that this little gland can wreak.

After my mom passed away in Oct. 08, Dr. N noticed that my thyroid seemed swollen much more than usual. She increased the meds and kept an eye on it until January of this year. She sent me for an ultrasound. No biggie I thought. Then told me that there were two nodules. Ok, 95% of them are benign, right? No biggie. Then she said I needed to have a biopsy. That caught my attention--biopsy and cancer seem to always to go together, like peanut butter and jelly, coffee and cream, you get the idea.

Two weeks after the appointment, I find myself on a table staring up at the ceiling as a doctor sticks a number of giant needles in my neck. Ow. It only took a few minutes, but it felt like ages. Then it's over, and the tech says it will take about a week to get the results. That was on a Thursday.

Mr. Wonderful and I went out for dinner a few days later, on a Saturday, and on the way home I realized that my cell phone was ringing. Private name, Private number. I have a chilling feeling that it's Dr. N. Why would she be calling me on my cell on a Saturday night? It is Dr. N. As I'm sitting in my car out in front of my house, she says, "I can't believe I'm telling you this. You have papillary thyroid cancer." I think I stopped breathing as Mr. Wonderful is trying to figure out what the hell I'm hearing. Dr. N keeps talking, telling me to contact a surgeon ASAP.

To quote my sister, I never really have to wait for the other shoe to drop since it just keeps raining shoes.