I'm back. And so, most likely, is the cancer.

Uh oh.  I'm back.  Because it looks like the cancer is back.  The little fucker.  It's hiding out in a lonely lymph node on the right side of my neck, according to last week's routine "let's-take-a-look-because-it's-been-a-few-years-since-the-last-one" thyroid ultrasound.  Or maybe the lymph node isn't actually lonely since it has a new friend, Papillary Thyca.

Sigh.

Ok, it's not 100% confirmed.  Yet.  I just got off the phone with my favorite endo, Dr. N, who has a plan.

But to back up a little--I saw Dr. N last week for my regular 6 month check up and went through my laundry list of stuff--blood sugar and insulin are still in the pre-diabetic range, you need to exercise more, you need to take Metformin, stop eating pop tarts--the regular stuff.  I actually have been feeling pretty good for the past few months with my switch back to Levoxyl (112mcg) with a Cytomel chaser for energy.

So she was a trying to figure out the last time my neck was scanned and checked--at least 2.5 years ago--and said we should do another one. Ok I said, no biggie!  I don't feel anything funky going on, and it's just a routine check, right?

Sigh.

A few days pass, no news and I almost forgot about it, even when I saw the "blocked" call on Columbus Day at 7:45pm.  I missed the call and had to listen to the message--I listened as I was cleaning up the kitchen after cooking some delicious ears of end of the summer fresh corn.....and damn near dropped the phone into the sink when she told me that there is a suspicious mass on a lymph node.  She sent me the report, and I had to look up all these unfamiliar words that basically meant the damn thing was showing signs of being malignant.  It definitely wasn't a normal lymph node.  How can it be a "mass" if it's microscopic??  That word alone, "mass" is scary when it pertains to a measurable glob of unknown gunk in place in your body where it shouldn't be.
I guess that's why the ultrasound tech said "Good luck" when I left?  I should have known then.

And now, Dr. N's plan.  She said I have two options since it's too small to biopsy at 10mm X 8 mm:
1.  Wait six months and do another ultrasound again.  Hell no.

2.  Take the thyrogen shots and do a whole body scan.  If the lymph node lights up from sucking in the iodine, it's cancer.  If not, wait 6 months and to an ultrasound again.

3.  If it is cancer, then the little fucker has to come out.  Like yesterday.  So, neck surgery.  Followed by a blast of radioactive iodine, isolation with a side of nausea and fried taste buds,  and more havoc as I try to readjust to the right med cocktail.

One problem I'm having is that the traditional tumor marker, thyroglobulin, isn't behaving like it should.  It's not going up a ton, but Dr. N said she can't rely on it since my thyroglobulin was basically non-existent when I was full of cancer the first time around.  She likes a good challenge, and my body is always ready to throw some kind of a curve ball at her!  So, whole body scan it is.  If I light up like a Christmas tree, under the knife I go.

But, I have to wait 4-6 weeks to get the thryogen shots--the manufacturer is shipping on back order, so I can't get it right away.  Luckily this cancer isn't supposed to grow quickly, so a few weeks shouldn't make a difference except in my mental state.

Sigh.

I'm sighing a lot tonight.

If nothing else, I learned 5 years ago that I have absolutely no control in any of this.  Nothing.  Zip.  Cancer is going to do what it wants.

Pompeii, Italia, April 2015

I have always had this horrible fear tucked away in the back of my head that this would happen.  I'd have a recurrence at some point.  And here it is.  Even if the scan doesn't light up, it's still there, and eventually something will have to be done.  It's not a question of if, but when.  Dr. N reminded me that papillary thyca won't kill me.  I know.  But I would also like to feel like a normal human being for more than a few months at a time too, and not have to worry about the fact that there is a cancer in my body somewhere.

Thyroid cancer is more like a chronic condition, and unfortunately the only way to manage it is with hormones, surgery and radioactive iodine.  Lather, rinse, repeat.
It should never be called "the good cancer".  If someone ever says that to me, I will flatten them.

And it's been a relatively calm 4 years....I got to travel a ton this past year--to Italy, Norway, Sweden, Germany, Denmark, Quebec....I just have to figure out a way to schedule this so it doesn't mess up my upcoming school trip to Cuba in April.  I cannot miss that one.  No way, no how.

Work will be the big issue, and how to manage that.

One bridge at a time, right?

I need to find a new theme song--"Get on Yer Boots" is, like, so 5 years ago.

Off to battle once again.  I have no idea if anyone will be reading this, but it will help me keep my sanity while I need it.