Look what I just found, minutes after posting my anxiety-ridden post!

FINDINGS:

Whole-body images and images of the thyroid bed and neck demonstrate
normal distribution of radiotracer within the salivary glands,
stomach, bowel and urinary bladder.  No persistent activity is seen
within the neck or elsewhere to suggest metastatic disease.
 
 
IMPRESSION:
 
1. No evident recurrent or metastatic thyroid cancer

Yes!!!!!!!

I decided to check the online portal, and there was the report!  I never even got a notice that it was there as of tonight.  

Guess she didn't need to call me. What a relief.  So hard to not go to that dark scary place with this stupid cancer stuff, especially with the high recurrence rate of thyca.  I really was scared about this, and Dr. N wasn't overly reassuring after reading the ultrasound report, so why not prepare for the worst?  Hell, I'm Irish, that's what we do.  

Big sigh of relief.  Now, once I stop feeling so awfully hypo, I can get my life back on track and plan for the spring.  Mr. W is talking about travel ideas, which is always a good thing.  

I think I'll sleep well tonight.  :) 

No news is just no news.

Argh.
The suspense is damn near killing me.
I had my whole body scan on Wednesday, and still have no results as of midnight going into Sunday.
WTF?
The guy who did the scan said Dr. N would have the reading that night.
Sigh.

Definitely sums up this week.... 

I had the thyrogen shots on Monday and Tuesday, and made it until about lunch time on Tuesday before I started to feel really hypo--I hate that feeling.  Suddenly exhausted, confused like I can't process info, achey all over, and really hot.  And nauseous.  I skipped lunch, and got stuck in a meeting about teacher evals that for the life of me I could not focus on much.  It was awful--I almost got up and left.  Wednesday was a trip to the hospital by 9 to take my four slightly radioactive pills, and then back home until the scan at 2.

When I walked in to nuclear medicine, my sister and her boyfriend were sitting there waiting for me--that was a nice surprise!  Had no idea she would be there, and it was nice to have some more support even though I saw her for about three minutes.

The scan itself was uneventful, except that I fell asleep in the last couple of minutes, and almost smacked my face against the machine that was about two inches from my face when I bolted awake at the noise.  Freakier than that was that my mom and her best friend Helen were in a dream right before I woke up--they were sipping screwdrivers on one of their Wednesday nights out and laughing.  I  hope that is what they are actually doing together in the next life!

And now, I'm waiting.  I took Thursday off because I felt so awful and exhausted.  Friday was ok, but I had to go for bloodwork after school to check the TSH level.  I stopped in at Dr. N's office to pick up the orders, and the assistant who gave me the shot said my scan was "under review" in the computer, meaning Dr. N hadn't done anything with it.   Today I have a constant headache, am achey all over and spent most of the day trying to fall asleep with little success.  I've watched three episodes of "Isabel" so far today.  Two yesterday.  Part of it is to stay up in case Dr.  N calls--she's been known to call at 10pm.   I just want an answer so I can plan a little--I feel like my life is on hold waiting to see what the scan shows--surgery and RAI, or put the fear in a box for another 6 months and have it scanned again then?  Either way, it sucks.  This could very well stretch into next week with Thanksgiving coming up.
Sigh.
Might as well go to bed and stare at the ceiling for a bit.  Sleeping won't matter--even if I put in 10 hours right now, I'l wake up exhausted.

I am so not in a good mood today.

WBS for "tumor localization". Whaaaaat?

Still here....
Plan is moving into "something actually going to happen" phase--WBS is scheduled for this Wednesday, thyrogen shots on Monday and Tuesday.

The paperwork arrived yesterday from the hospital, and for "exam" it says "tumor localization".  Hmm.  That definitely doesn't imply that we aren't certain a tumor exists, but rather the little bastard is there and we have to find out exactly where.  That kind of gave me chills up my spine, because that phrase sounds pretty definite and no question about if there is cancer.  Makes it sound like it's there.  So much for the doctor telling me that it could just be a funky lymph  node.  Am I overreacting?

I think all of this just makes me tired.  As in I just flopped on the couch yesterday and slept away most of the afternoon.

It didn't help that Friday at work sucked.  Turns out the day before, one of my teachers was absent.  She told me on Tuesday that she'd be out, and we had Wednesday off.  She is supposed to call in sick to the sick line so that there would be a sub for all of her classes.  She didn't call in and forgot.  So her classes went uncovered all day, and I completely forgot that she told me she would be out.   To make it worse, my office is across the hall from her room, and I didn't even realize she wasn't there.  Between thyroid meds and apparently being a little stressed out about the cancer being back, I totally blanked.  Let's just say my boss wasn't very happy with me.

So, for today I might just flop on the couch again.  And binge-watch my latest obsession, "Isabel" from Spain's RTVE.  It's so good.  I'm into the second season right now and loving the fact that I can follow the  rapid fire Spanish pretty well.  I think I'm getting most of it!  This picture is from Season 1.

I'll be back once I find out where the tumor is, and what the next phase of the plan is.  Ought to be an interesting week if I can get through it.

Cancer song for round 2: Vivir mi vida

Oh I thought of a good song for this round!!

"Get on your boots" was perfect for Round 1.  Round 2 is a little different--I know what to expect.

It's one of my favorites and always puts me in a good mood.  And the lyrics are very upbeat.  Translation below.  Salsa always makes me feel better, and I have always liked Marc Anthony's voice.

"Vivir mi vida" by Marc Anthony 

http://lyricstranslate.com/en/vivir-mi-vida-live-my-life.html#ixzz3qAJEtLkt

'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna dance
[I'm gonna] live my life, la, la, la, la
I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna enjoy
live my life, la, la, la, la

Sometimes rain comes
to clean wounds
Sometimes just a drop
can overcome the drought

And why cry, for what?
If it hurts bad, forget it
And why suffer, for what?
If life is like this, you must live it

I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna dance
live my life, la, la, la, la
I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna enjoy
live my life, la, la, la, la

I'm gonna live in the moment
to understand the fate
I'm gonna listen in silence
to find the way

And why cry, for what?
If it hurts bad, forget it
And why suffer, for what?
If it hurts bad, forget it

I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna dance
live my life, la, la, la, la
I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna enjoy
live my life, la, la, la, la

My people!

I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna dance
Why mourn? Why suffer?
Start dreaming, laughing
I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna dance
Feel and dance and enjoy,
you only live once
I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna dance
Live, always keep moving forward
Don't look back

My people, you only live once

I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna dance
live my life, la, la, la, la
I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna enjoy
live my life, la, la, la, la

Settling in again....

Hola again.
Settling in to my new reality over the past couple of weeks.
I had a hard time with the news on Columbus Day, but felt so much better after talking with Dr. N and getting a plan in place.  Why is it that just the plan made me able to return to normal functioning?

In fact I have been able to completely "forget" at times that the cancer is probably in there somewhere, lurking in my lymph nodes.  Then there are times that it comes flooding over me, the anticipation of what's ahead.  But for now, I'm keeping in a different compartment in my head.  

And enjoying things like Pop Tarts and Halloween candy, even though sugar feeds tumors.  I have also had tons and tons of vegetables--so many salads that I know I will come back in another life as a rabbit.  A very hungry rabbit.

So, in a holding pattern for now.  Dr. N wanted to have me take my levoxyl in the am and cytomel in the pm, figuring I'd get an energy boost that would encourage me to do things like exercise-all it did was screw up my memory and general ability to function like a competent adult for a couple of weeks, probably because I usually forgot the pm dose of cytomel.  I went back to taking both in the morning, and am starting to feel slightly normal again.  

I'll come back once the plan starts to work itself out, probably in a couple of weeks.  

I'm back. And so, most likely, is the cancer.

Uh oh.  I'm back.  Because it looks like the cancer is back.  The little fucker.  It's hiding out in a lonely lymph node on the right side of my neck, according to last week's routine "let's-take-a-look-because-it's-been-a-few-years-since-the-last-one" thyroid ultrasound.  Or maybe the lymph node isn't actually lonely since it has a new friend, Papillary Thyca.

Sigh.

Ok, it's not 100% confirmed.  Yet.  I just got off the phone with my favorite endo, Dr. N, who has a plan.

But to back up a little--I saw Dr. N last week for my regular 6 month check up and went through my laundry list of stuff--blood sugar and insulin are still in the pre-diabetic range, you need to exercise more, you need to take Metformin, stop eating pop tarts--the regular stuff.  I actually have been feeling pretty good for the past few months with my switch back to Levoxyl (112mcg) with a Cytomel chaser for energy.

So she was a trying to figure out the last time my neck was scanned and checked--at least 2.5 years ago--and said we should do another one. Ok I said, no biggie!  I don't feel anything funky going on, and it's just a routine check, right?

Sigh.

A few days pass, no news and I almost forgot about it, even when I saw the "blocked" call on Columbus Day at 7:45pm.  I missed the call and had to listen to the message--I listened as I was cleaning up the kitchen after cooking some delicious ears of end of the summer fresh corn.....and damn near dropped the phone into the sink when she told me that there is a suspicious mass on a lymph node.  She sent me the report, and I had to look up all these unfamiliar words that basically meant the damn thing was showing signs of being malignant.  It definitely wasn't a normal lymph node.  How can it be a "mass" if it's microscopic??  That word alone, "mass" is scary when it pertains to a measurable glob of unknown gunk in place in your body where it shouldn't be.
I guess that's why the ultrasound tech said "Good luck" when I left?  I should have known then.

And now, Dr. N's plan.  She said I have two options since it's too small to biopsy at 10mm X 8 mm:
1.  Wait six months and do another ultrasound again.  Hell no.

2.  Take the thyrogen shots and do a whole body scan.  If the lymph node lights up from sucking in the iodine, it's cancer.  If not, wait 6 months and to an ultrasound again.

3.  If it is cancer, then the little fucker has to come out.  Like yesterday.  So, neck surgery.  Followed by a blast of radioactive iodine, isolation with a side of nausea and fried taste buds,  and more havoc as I try to readjust to the right med cocktail.

One problem I'm having is that the traditional tumor marker, thyroglobulin, isn't behaving like it should.  It's not going up a ton, but Dr. N said she can't rely on it since my thyroglobulin was basically non-existent when I was full of cancer the first time around.  She likes a good challenge, and my body is always ready to throw some kind of a curve ball at her!  So, whole body scan it is.  If I light up like a Christmas tree, under the knife I go.

But, I have to wait 4-6 weeks to get the thryogen shots--the manufacturer is shipping on back order, so I can't get it right away.  Luckily this cancer isn't supposed to grow quickly, so a few weeks shouldn't make a difference except in my mental state.

Sigh.

I'm sighing a lot tonight.

If nothing else, I learned 5 years ago that I have absolutely no control in any of this.  Nothing.  Zip.  Cancer is going to do what it wants.

Pompeii, Italia, April 2015

I have always had this horrible fear tucked away in the back of my head that this would happen.  I'd have a recurrence at some point.  And here it is.  Even if the scan doesn't light up, it's still there, and eventually something will have to be done.  It's not a question of if, but when.  Dr. N reminded me that papillary thyca won't kill me.  I know.  But I would also like to feel like a normal human being for more than a few months at a time too, and not have to worry about the fact that there is a cancer in my body somewhere.

Thyroid cancer is more like a chronic condition, and unfortunately the only way to manage it is with hormones, surgery and radioactive iodine.  Lather, rinse, repeat.
It should never be called "the good cancer".  If someone ever says that to me, I will flatten them.

And it's been a relatively calm 4 years....I got to travel a ton this past year--to Italy, Norway, Sweden, Germany, Denmark, Quebec....I just have to figure out a way to schedule this so it doesn't mess up my upcoming school trip to Cuba in April.  I cannot miss that one.  No way, no how.

Work will be the big issue, and how to manage that.

One bridge at a time, right?

I need to find a new theme song--"Get on Yer Boots" is, like, so 5 years ago.

Off to battle once again.  I have no idea if anyone will be reading this, but it will help me keep my sanity while I need it.

I'm still here....

I'm still here!

I guess when things are going well, I've stopped thinking about posting or using this blog as a way to process/blow off steam/ figure things out.  Other things get in the way I guess because I'm feeling ok and acting like  fairly normal human being.

Once I switched from years of Levoxyl to Armour, I felt great!  Oh so good.  Energetic, no brain fog, actually feeling like I want to exercise, no anxiety--just normal, or what I seem to remember normal used to feel like.

Then, slowly that wonderfulness had dropped off....I still feel ok, but after about  year on Armour, my T3 has gone up way too much, leaving me feeling edgy and anxious.  Snappy too--I can snap at the slightest little thing, and my moods can swing fast from one extreme to another. Ugh.  I hate it.  I saw Dr. N in September, and she is playing with the Armour dose so that I'm taking 5 1/2 pills every 7 days.  I asked her if she'd have to lower it more, and she said, "That would be weird."  Not quite sure what that means, but I'm due for a visit with her in February.  Can't decide if I should call before and ask to have my levels tested and tempt the hand of Fate, or keep hoping that cutting back on the meds will eventually balance themselves out?  I guess I could go back to Levoxyl now that it's back on the market, but I felt really really good with the Armour and I don't want to let that go.  I guess the trade-off is being snippy, anxious, edgy and borderline miserable....that doesn't make sense.

Sigh. Just when I think it's all getting better and evening itself out.

School is busy this year, and I find myself staying late a few nights a week.  That doesn't help either since I'm not getting the exercise I need to keep the pre diabetes numbers at bay or down.  I'm still teaching one AP class and being department head the rest of the time with 14 teachers and 5 languages to deal with.  Never boring....