Grrrrr.

About my last post--it was all downhill from there. 
I didn't sleep Sunday night and could not function the next morning.  I called in sick and slept most of Monday away, feeling really groggy until the evening. 
Ditto for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. 
Last night was was compeltely exhausted and figured I'd sleep since the "so tired it hurts" feeling was hurting a ton, my eyes were burning and I felt like I was ready to pass out at 10pm. I dozed off, and then BAM woke up 30 minutes later.  That was it for the entire night.  It was a loooooooooong night. 
I called Dr. N, begging for mercy.  As of tonight, she hasn't called back.
Problem is, this is the week before vacaction, and it's so not a good idea to do what I'm doing by calling in sick the entire week before. 
It's either I call in and try to catch up on sleep, or I will seriously harm someone due to my limited cognitive functioning. 
I wonder what joy tonight will bring?  If the current hot flashes are any indication, I'm screwed. 

A place for my stuff

Still struggling here.  My brain is constantly on overload as I try to keep my life on track.  I've now had three weeks with change in meds, and so far it seems almost worse instead of better.  I know that it can take 4-6 weeks before you feel a change, and I'm trying to be patient.  It's been a frosted pop tart kind of month. 

Huh? No, I don't feel ok. 

Issues include-----

• massive amounts of hair coming out in the shower daily.  Thank God I have really thick hair or I'd be bald by now. 
• constant brain fog, as in zero memory and longer time to process incoming info.  Not good when you work with teenagers all day.
• the dropsies and the tripsies.  It's as if my hands no longer function.  I went to a post-funeral meal this weekend and offered to take a bunch of  plates for my tablemates.  Luckly Sis was there to remind me, "Hell no."  So I figured I was safe getting a plate of desserts.  I managed to drop a brownie moving it from the bigger plate to my small plate.  WTF.  She took that plate from me as well.  I was able to handle napkins.  And I'm tripping and bumping into things all over the place.  I mean, I never was graceful, but this is ridiculous.  When Mr. Wonderful and I spent last weekend on the Vineyard to celebrate our 5th anniversary, I missed a step in the dark coming out of the hotel and went airborne, landing hard on both knees.  I'm still having trouble going up and down stairs and am mourning yet another lost layer of cartilege under my already damaged kneecaps.  Really?? 
• wanting to sleep even after getting 8 hours.  I went back to bed today.
• feeling wired and tired at the same time.  Can't even begin to explain that one. 
• dry dry dry skin. 
• digestive system isn't processing stuff as quickly has it either should or had been.  TMI I know, but that's a sure fire sign that I'm off kilter. 
• feeling overwhelmed by most things, things that I could always handle.  I almost had a breakdown the other night because I couldn't find a bottle of soy sauce and I had already started cooking.  I'm not even going to address the almost complete emotional collapse that resulted after realizing there was a mouse in the kitchen.  After gallons of bleach and the disposal of all foodstuffs that were mouse accessible, I think the little bugger is gone.  And now I have no idea of what food I have and don't have in my cabinets. 

So, hopefully I only have two more weeks of this before I turn a corner?  I probably mentioned this earlier, but I can't friggin' remember!  5 more days til school vacation week, so maybe I can collapse for a few days. 

Two things actually helped me this week to put this new hell into perspective:
a post in the blog "Everything Changes" that perfectly explained dealing with changes in thyroid meds http://everythingchangesbook.com/kairol/levoxyl-synthroid?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+everythingchangesbook+%28Everything+Changes%3A+The+Insider%27s+Guide+to+Cancer+in+Your+20%27s+and+30%27s%29eds ,
and finding a website community connected to "Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips", the book I mentioned last year that was such a help to me, called http://mycrazysexylife.com/.

There was also this post http://thyroid.about.com/od/bookssupportresources/a/letter-to-family-friends.htm that gave some tips for helping family and friends understand these phases.
Timing was perfect for all three, especially the post at "Everything Changes".  I was laughing and crying at the same time as I read it since it validated my swirl of overly emotional frustrations. 

The other thing that dawned on me is my apparent obsession with containers.  All sorts of containers, especially ones that organize drawers and cabinets.  I love being able to group things in a way that makes sense to me--cat food, dishtowels, stuff for teeth, stuff for first aid, stuff for colds/flus, stuff for pedicures, make up....soups, chocolate, spices...pens, pencils, measuring spoons, stuff for baking, socks (white and then the rest sorted by color and material)....it makes me sound like an OCD freak.  I spent my afternoon at Bed Bath and Beyond looking for things to help organize my kitchen space.  Of course I found some really neat drawer organizers, so now all my silverware is happy.  I have some more drawers that need some attention, but it's a start.  My linen closet has baskets holding a bunch of things.  Problem is that I'm lacking in consistency--I always seem to be one container short of what I need since I never remember to measure the space being organized.  This time I did measure the silverware drawer and it worked! 

If the silverware is happy, I'm happy.

I'm thinking that this is a result of not being able to control so much other stuff in my life, like cancer, infertility hell, death/grief/mourning and moving to a new house.  Maybe I could write a self-help book for cancer survivors about how to hang on to some control when everything else is utterly fucked up?  Title: "Boxes, Bags and Bins:  How to take back control of your life space by space!" 

I'll have to talk about my obsession with bags in another post.  I'm loving my new Trader Joe's cotton bag....